A Guy Says: Patricia Krentcil, The Woman Who Took Her Five Year Old Tanning, is a Hero

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This week, the whole world is up in arms about 44-year old mother Patricia Krentcil for reasons that I don’t understand. If you hadn’t heard, Ms. Krentcil is the New Jersey mother who took her five-year-old daughter tanning only to be arrested on second-degree child endangerment.  This situation is despicable.  How dare this woman be labeled a bad mother?  What we should be calling her is an American hero.

A lot of people are saying that Ms. Krentcil should have her daughter taken away from her.  They’re saying that taking your five-year-old daughter tanning is a perfect example of terrible parenting.  All of those people are totally off base.

Taking your five-year-old daughter is really a great example of wonderful parenting.  Isn’t parenting all about preparing your children for life by giving them confidence in themselves?  Ms. Krentcil is doing just that.  We all know that pale five-year-olds are ostracized in kindergarten classrooms.  They’re called, “loser,” and “ugly.”  If you don’t take your five-year-old tanning you’re subjecting your child to years of being chastised and that makes you a bad parent.  Unless your standard for good parenting is a lifetime of shame and misery.  In that case, I guess you’re an awesome parent.

Plus, Ms. Krentcil would go tanning with her daughter.  Clearly, these tanning sessions were beautiful moments of mother, daughter bonding, which means that anyone criticizing this poor women is also criticizing the love between a mother and her children.  And that’s the purest love in the whole world.  I can’t believe so many people hate pure love.  That’s the disgusting part of this story.

And, I agree with Ms. Krentcil’s response to her critiques.  According to TMZ, she said her critics were, “jealous, fat and ugly.” She’s so on point.  When you’re under attack by the entire country for being a bad parent the worst thing you can do is sound contrite and apologetic.  That won’t win you any fans.  As we all know, nothing gets you more sympathy than belittling people who disagree with you.  And if you disagree with that then you’re old, stupid, and pale.

The only legitimate criticism you can really make of Ms. Krentcil is that she didn’t go far enough.  We should be keeping our kids’ cribs in the backyard where they can tan all day long.  Or, better yet, prenatal tanning.  When a woman’s pregnant, we can shine a light up where the sun don’t shine.  Nothing says beautiful newborn girl like a pink blanket and lightly tanned skin.  I don’t think we’ll have trouble getting that one passed.  I believe they have similar laws in Virginia and Arizona.

Parenting is perhaps the hardest thing to do well, so when a great parenting job comes around, we need to embrace it.  We need to hold it up as a shining beacon of humanity, not tear it down as a shame.  And, by shining beacon, of course I’m referring to the tanning bed you should be taking your toddler to right now.