Here Are All The Oscar Rejects You Should Hope You Never See

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Rejected pitchesAre you all caught up on the movies that are gonna be at the Oscars on Sunday? What about the Oscar rejects, the ones who didn't even get nominated for awards? I hope not, because I'm not either. Somewhere in between breathing the air and living my life in 2012, I forgot to watch nine two-and-a-half hour movie epics in theaters at $13 a pop. I don't know what I was thinking. Luckily I hold exactly zero weight at the Academy Awards, so everyone should still get their due. DON'T WORRY GUYS.

But what if all studio executives were big dumb idiots like me? What if instead of being Oscar-nominated works of art, these movies had been rejected pitches? What would that look like? Can you have the nice people at Above Average make me a video of what that would look like? And can you also make it enjoyable and hilarious? Cool, thanks.

There it is! And it's Christmas Eve! The spirits did it all in one night! Bring me the biggest goose you find, boy, and we'll roast it until it's burnt and crackling!

I'm sorry, I…blacked out for a second there, thinking about A Christmas Carol. What was I talking about? Oh right, this video. Well it's directors bringing their scripts to fake studio executives who reject them out of hand for hilariously bad reasons. They want Silver Linings Playbook to be a movie about really good dancers, they want Beasts Of The Southern Wild (which they call The Beasts Of The North Pole) to star Jon Voight and a frail white woman as his daughter wife Hushpuppy, they can't understand a single word that Fred Armisen says about Amour, and their only input about Django Unchained is that it has the n-word in it a lot. Funny, that's not even the first time we've heard that one.

It's real good stuff here, and bonus points for the phrase, “We're not gonna make this piece of sandcrap, get outta here.”