Oh Nothing, Just A Video Of Two One Direction Members Getting High In The Back Of A Van

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One Direction Zayn Malik smoking weed May 2014

Good morning! Ready to watch a crummy video of two One Direction members sharing a joint in the back of a van in Peru while rambling about chicken? Of course you are. When are you not? The members in question are Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik, and the video was obtained by The Daily Mail, who describes it as depicting the “dark side” of the boy band. Actually I think it more likely depicts that side of the boy band we all pretty much figured was there. You're nobody until you've been caught with a “suspicious cigarette.”

There's very little doubt that what's in that cigarette is weed, however, because Louis, who's filming and helpfully narrating the video, is heard seemingly referring to “an illegal substance” and a “joint” and “Mary Jane.” (Daily Mail has a convenient transcript of the conversation if you're interested.) Also I'm not sure how often people pass regular cigarettes around a van while talking nonsense about chicken. And the po po.

Am I surprised? Eh, not really. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like a disappointed mom. Is it too much to ask that everyone's favorite tight-pantsed crooners just say no? And not only did they smoke the stuff in the first place, but they actually filmed themselves doing it. Because no celebrity has ever had an embarrassing or incriminating video or photo of themselves leaked before. I'm sure they thought they'd be extremely safe. Come on, boys, I thought you were smarter than that. Was it just the accents that were throwing me off?

To make matters worse, at one point in the video Louis seems to shout “Nig!” Which could be interpreted as a member of the universe's most beloved boy band uttering a racial slur. In other words, there are probably a few parents watching this video this morning and shaking their fists at the heavens asking God who the hell their daughters are supposed to swoon over if Justin Bieber and One Direction have been compromised. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the band told the Mail, “The matter is now in the hands of our lawyers.”

(Image: Daily Mail video)