Everything You Need To Know About Saving A Hijacked Plane, I Already Know From Non-Stop

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Meanwhile ground control tells Liam that the bank account the hijackers gave him is connected to his name, and therefore he is the hijacker. Liam denies it, but who's going to believe the drunk federal marshal who immediately appointed the annoying redhead to be his VP. Rather than take a moment to wonder why a hijacker would leave such a clear trail at the bank, they call the media and confess that they messed up Liam. “Funny story, this hijacker is the federal marshal assigned to stop hijackings on the plane. Also he's a lonely divorced alcoholic with a dead daughter. Sure hope no one on the flight's watching their TV.”

Naturally everyone's watching their TV and they're more scared than ever. Which is fair, a federal marshal just took their plane hostage and tried to pin it on a dorky school teacher with glasses. GLASSES! Also this would be a good time to tell you that about 40 more minutes have passed and two more people have died. One second they were fine and the next they were foaming at the mouth. So somehow this hijacker is able to give people rabies. Which is a cool trick, dangerous, but cool.

While Liam's trying to find the “real” hijacker and while Julianne Moore plays the Rosie O'Donnell to his Harriet the Spy, the passengers decide to take him out. And they almost do! But too bad for them that Liam can fend off several men at once. ¬†After fighting off the people trying to save the plane from him, he gives an incredibly stirring, yet incredibly ill-timed speech.

“Yes I'm an alcoholic and yes my daughter is dead and yes I've made many mistakes in my past. Including wearing mandals. But that's not what I'm standing here on this plane to talk to you about today. I'm here because there's someone on this plane who's killing people and he's framing it on me. And if I wasn't buzzed, i'd be able to put together the pieces. But unfortunately for you, the US government knowingly hired an alcoholic for this job.”

Eveyrone stands up and applauds. They're back on his side. It's just a shame that he has more bad news though!

“Also there's a bomb on this plane. But don't worry, I have a plan. It makes no scientific sense and it sounds like pure malarkey, but if enough of you believe in me, we can stop this bombing from killing us. WHO'S WITH ME?”

More applause. They all agree to help. Well except for the women and children. They're sent to the front of the plane. Why? In case the TItanic's lifeboats appear and they have to load them quicky. All the men (AKA the useful people) take the bomb to the back of the plane, pile luggage on top of it and hope that there are enough carry-ons that the bomb won't be so bad.

Meanwhile the hijacker comes forward. And twist, it's NOT Julianne Moore but the dorky teacher Liam originally suspected. Yes, the guy in glasses is behind this whole thing. Like every villain in every movie ever, he lays out his plan for everyone.

“My Dad died in 9/11, so I went to war to fight the people who killed him. And then I came back here and no one appreciated that I went to war. American airport security is a joke. So I wanted to prove that by framing a federal marshal — the very person hired to stop this from happening — for a hijacking. To prove what? Well, that airport security sucks. Why couldn't I just do what local reporters do every 6 months and go through security with a pocket knife and then write that up for the 5:00 news? Um, well, I just thought of that now. But it's too late!”

Liam shoots him dead. Not just because he hijacked the plane and framed him, but also because his logic's so bad that no one could bear to listen for one more second. All clear? Nope the bomb goes off. Thankfully the carry-on luggage trick worked and the plane only falls apart on one side. It looks like a convertible. On fire. Plummeting from the skies. The pilot does a crash landing and everyone gets off on the air castle slide.

“Well that was a strange flight,” says Lady Mary to Lupita Nyong'o

“Sorry I don't have any real lines in this movie,” whispers Lupita, “I signed onto this before I was famous. I know, I know, it's weird they're acting like I'm a top star in the commercials, but yeah, I have no lines.”

Liam emerges from the convertible-plane triumphantly. His boss — who moments before was accusing him of hijacking a plane on national TV — calls him and is like, “sorry for that mix-up dude! Shit happen sometimes.” Liam shrugs it off. He has bigger fish to fry, or I should say, ladies to catch. He spots Julianne Moore standing to the side.

“Where are you going?” he asks seductively.

“Where are we?” she asks, only vaguely interested in where the plane just crash landed.

“Iceland,” he says.

“Well then probably to Britain, which was my original destination before this plane got hijacked.” she DOES NOT say because this movie's stupid.

“I'm going wherever you're going,” she says instead. Then she transforms into Meg Ryan and Liam Neeson transforms into Tom Hanks and she looks in his eyes and says, “I wanted it to be you.”

The end.

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