Everything You Need To Know About Saving A Hijacked Plane, I Already Know From Non-Stop

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Non-Stop Liam Neeson Gravity fun


Look, I don't want to get cocky here. But I saw Non-Stop this week and I'm feeling fairly confident about my ability to save a hijacked plane . With that said, I don't plan on saving one any time soon, or really, ever. Plane travel's bad enough without throwing in that kind of adventure. Isn't it enough when my carry-on won't fit in the overhead luggage compartment. (I'll pause for a “ugh, I know” sigh.) So rather than tell you what I know about saving a hijacked plane, I figured I would just tell you about the movie. Everything about the movie. If you're not into “spoilers” and “having movies ruined for you,” then I suggest you exit this site right now. But if you're into finding out who the hijacker is without having to fork over any of your hard-earned cash, read on.

The movie open with Liam Neeson making a mixed drink in his car with a toothbrush. So right away we know that he not only has a serious drinking problem, but also a dental hygiene one. Toothbrushes belong in bathrooms and not in cars. Also, what I'm about to say next isn't as much a problem as it is a fact — based on the looks of that drink, dude's never going to be a professional mixologist. But that's not the point of this scene. It's to show us that he drinks at inappropriate times. Which turns out to be a major problem because he's a federal air marshal charged with protecting innocent plane passengers from terrorism. But this movie would be two minutes long if someone competent was in charge of the plane, so it's in our favor that he has a drinking problem.

Before we even get on the plane we meet Julianne Moore, in what could be her most annoying role yet. She's begging the airline to switch her to a window seat because RED HERRING! I mean RED HAIR! She has red hair, so that's what I meant.  As we all know, wanting a window seat's very suspicious. So right away I'm thinking that she's working in a hijacking team of two and she's getting the “good to go” signal from someone on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Sadly for Hijackin' Jules, the airline couldn't switch her seat. But she manages to make another guy switch by being the most annoying person ever. And, well, what do you know, she ends up sitting next to Ole Drunkyface Liam. Coincidence or hijacking? (P.S: I'm trademarking “Coincidence or Hijacking” as a new party game.) And speaking of Ole Drunkyface Liam, he orders a drink from Lady Mary before the plane even takes off. Oh did I mention that Lady Mary left Downton Abbey and got a job as a flight attendant? Lord Grantham must be enraged!

Fast forward to when they're flying smoothly over the Atlantic ocean. It's Hijackin' Time! Old Drunkyface Liam gets a text from someone on his super secure federal marshal phone network. What does the guy want? A million billion dollars deposited into his account in the next 20 minutes or someone dies. And get this, someone will die every 20 minutes until the money gets wired. Old Drunkyface Liam leaps into action, pulls his co-federal-marshal into a plane bathroom and immediately accuses him of pulling this hijacking prank.

His co-federal-marshal's like, “I'm not the hijacker and I'm not pulling a prank, but I am doing something really sketchy. I have a briefcase with me that's full of cocaine, but only because I needed the money–” He gets cut off mid convo because Liam kills him because he's drunk and can't think clearly and just assumes his co-federal-marshal is a hijacker/prankster. Aha! You see what happened there. Someone did die within 20 minutes and Liam did it. Is Liam the hijacker? Is Liam texting himself? Is Liam really going to shut the bathroom door and pretend like there's not a dead body in there? And most importantly, is this movie really going to pretend that a plane bathroom's big enough to fit two people, let alone big enough for two people to get into a death match? Yes, they are? Okay, moving on then.

So one person's dead and the hijacker is still on the plane. It's time for Liam to get serious…seriously stupid that is! He grabs Lady Mary and he grabs Julianne Moore — who I'll remind you is just a passenger and not anywhere near qualified to be assisting a federal marshal find a hijacker — and tells them to look for anyone using a phone on the plane. Julianne Moore's loving this task. She loves helping people find hijackers. I mean it's her first time, but her enthusiasm shows that she's totally game. Too game? Only time will tell.

Liam finds the texter and gets all up in his face, “WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!!?!?” he yells. “Wrong movie,” someone whispers off camera. “Sorry, I mean WHY ARE YOU HIJACKING THIS PLANE!” The guy's a total dorkface with his glasses and ill-fitting blazer and he's like, “it's not me, I swear.” But Liam, in his drunken rage, plane-arrests the guy. Everyone on the plane starts to get nervous that there's something wrong with the flight. Because, you know, mostly men with alcohol on their breath don't arrest people mid-flight. So they do what people do during crimes now — and that's mupload the footage and send it to the media. Suddenly the whole world's watching this plane get hijacked.

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