There Is A God, Because Snooki’s New Son Lorenzo Has A Different Birthday Than Me
Have you ever noticed that once you have the same birthday as a celebrity, even though it has nothing to do with you, that information kind of follows you around for the rest of your life? Mine is September 2nd, so I already had Keanu Reeves, which was awesome around the time of The Matrix, and less awesome any other time ever. And then there's also Salma Hayek, which really takes the pressure off me because I will absolutely never be the hottest person celebrating their birthday that day, and I shouldn't bother trying to be. So I've come to terms with sharing my birthday with those two celebrities. One person I didn't want to share a birthday with was Snooki‘s son Lorenzo, her first child with fiance (yeah right) Jionni LaValle.
When her pregnancy was first announced, the predicted birth dates that were flying around were at the end of August, beginning of September. “Oh dear,” I thought, “those dates sound pretty familiar, and it's because they're the same dates the doctors gave my mom when I was baking quietly in her belly like a well-mannered dinner roll. And now it's the same time frame that's being given to this celebrity famous for being a drunken meatball? I think I've already been pretty generous with my birthday, so please, if there is a god, let Snooki give birth to her baby on a day that isn't September 2nd. On any day but September 2nd. I already know too and embarrassing amount about Jersey Shore, it would be too much if I shared a birthday with a spawn of the show.”
That was the prayer that I said to myself every day after I finished brushing my teeth, and once after I finished saying my catechism before bed (ha.). I believed in it with my whole heart, like I believed in snow dances the day before a final exam that I hadn't studied for. And lo! Hark! It worked! I don't have to go around for the rest of my life admitting that I have the same birthday as something that came out of Nicole Polizzi, because Lorenzo Dominic LaValle was officially born today! August 26th, 2012!
So the dubious honor of sharing a birthday with him I will gladly pass on to Chris Pine, Macaulay Culkin, and Melissa McCarthy instead. Happy birthday, guys. Should've prayed a little harder in the bathroom mirror.