Entertainment

9 Rules That Movie Schools Really Needed

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I’m just going to come right out and say it: movie high schools are ridiculous. Even the best of them would still be genuinely wild places to be. You name it, and the thing is probably out of whack. Teenagers being made over to look and dress like 30-year-olds with small fortunes? You bet. Characters who everyone should logically hate but are inexplicably popular? Yes, duh. So then, I guess that it makes sense that the system of school rules in place need some attention.

Now, while I’ve never run a school on my own, I think that I’ve logged enough hours on Roller Coaster Tycoon in my lfie to successfully run an institution. Plus, the Sims has taught me all that I need to know to manage kids that aren’t my own, provided that they don’t set their meals on fire or die from peeing on themselves. Those are all of the things that it takes, right?

So, if you will, sit back and watch me solve each of these movies’ problems one rule at a time. I’m not a hero; I’m just doing God’s work out of the goodness of my heart.

1. No hooking up with your students.

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Would’ve been useful in: Never Been Kissed

I know that this is a toughie for Hollywood, but it’s g-r-o-s-s for a teacher to hit on a student. Even if they are actually an adult masquerading as a teen for a hard-hitting news article. EVEN THEN.

2. No stalking your students.

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Would’ve been useful in: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

It’s a little sad how obsessed Ferris’ principal was with catching him cutting school. It’s like, dude, chill out.

3. No stalking your teachers.

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Would’ve been useful in: Rushmore

Actually, let’s go ahead and tackle all stalking of all kinds, here. Don’t do it.

3. No magic, whatsoever.

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Would’ve been useful in: The Craft

Because they will inevitably turn out to be creeps who scar children (me).

4. No entrusting in your students the safety of the school.

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Would’ve been useful in: Every Harry Potter movie ever

Unless, of course, your school is magical. In which case, you shouldn’t stress out small children with the burden of saving your ass every year.

5. No cruel bets.

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Would’ve been useful in: She’s All That

Spoiler alert for every movie with a bet: the subject of the bet ALWAYS finds out just as you’re starting to fall for one another. Just skip all of that and take off her glasses, yourself.

6. No operating of a sex business.

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Would’ve been useful in: Easy A

You’ll get a reputation and have to wear a scarlet A like the character in the book you’re reading! Even if it doesn’t match all of your clothes. (The horror!)

7. No murder.

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Would’ve been useful in: Heathers

I can’t actually stress how important this one is. You want to murder absolutely no one while you’re in school.

8. No disruptive singing.

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Would’ve been useful in: Grease, High School Musical

Because I’m sure it’s disruptive to the teachers’ lesson plans when you stand up and sing about summertime or whatever while you’re in class.

9. No tyranny

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Would’ve been useful in: Mean Girls

Regina George was a regular Kim Jong Il before that bus incident checked her. In the future, if you want to keep your budding tyrants at bay, enforcing this rule from the beginning will save you stress and a pending FBI case for being “a pusher”.

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