Watch Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance And Cross Your Fingers You Don’t Get Pregnant

By  | 

I don't always watch Miley Cyrus twerk on Robin Thicke's crotch at the 2013 VMAs, but when I do, I wear protection. Just a personal choice, but I advise you to do the same unless you want these GIFs to get you mad preggers.

You know you're entering a dark time in human history when Vanessa Bayer's impression of Miley is more toned down than Miley herself, y'know? Here I was, casually watching the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards and being a little snark-bot, when suddenly Miley appeared on the stage and literally struck me dumb. It takes a lot to silence me on social media, but for a few moments after Miley came onstage in that little teddy bear leotard with her Gwen Stefani hair and her tongue out, all I could stutter out was, "Quickly, someone tell me what this is."

Because WHAT? Giant teddy bears? The cut-out nips that Regina George made popular in Mean Girls? What are we doing here? Why so sexual? Why grinding on everything? Oh well, at least Robin will be here soon to turn this back into some semblance of a musical number instead of a humping contest.

Miley Cyrus VMAs


Except that when Robin got here, things only got worse. First of all Miley was pretty much slaughterhousing 'Blurred Lines', which is its own kind of sin, but she actually took off more  of her costume, so she's wearing, like…a flesh-toned dominatrix outfit. And grinding enthusiastically on a foam finger. Which makes no sense and makes me extremely uncomfortable. But at least Robin wants no part of it, right? I mean RIGHT?Miley Cyrus VMAs 4 WRONG. He made everything SO MUCH WORSE. Not only did the foam finger stay in attendance, but the air-gyrations only got more frenzied. You guys, it was so uncomfortable.

Miley Cyrus 7(via)
I mean I guess I should have expected it, since I've seen the videos for 'Blurred Lines' and 'We Can't Stop' and they both verge on soft-core porn, but still. SHE IS TWERKING ON HIS CROTCH. Why? Tell me why?

Miley Cyrus VMAs 5

Even if their age difference wasn't disturbing, these people are supposedly both in loving relationships — Miley with Liam Hemsworth and Robin with HIS WIFE Paula Patton. Your peen does not need to be on or anywhere near Miley's bum region. Just an opinion.

Miley Cyrus VMAs 3

And I'm not the only one who has it, either. This was the audience during Miley's performance. Not a joke. You know you're doing something a little suspect when even the boys of One Direction aren't having fun and Rihanna, reigning queen of exhibitionists, is giving you side eye. Pull it together, Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus VMAs 2

Ugh. You even got the Smith family's jaws to drop. Impressive.

[UPDATE: the photo below is apparently a reaction shot to Lady Gaga's performance, not Miley's, as you can see what they're watching in the corner of the screen. Good lookin' out, Gossip Cop!]

Will Jaden Willow Jada Pinkett Smith reaction shot to Miley Cyrus performance at 2013 VMAs