Miley Cyrus And Madonna Defied Any And All Standards of Awkwardness On Unplugged

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Madonna and Miley Cyrus performing at MTV Unplugged January 2014

I didn't think there was anything more awkward than watching Kevin and Danielle Jonas pretend to be married, but that was before I watched Miley Cyrus and Madonna perform together on MTV's Unplugged last night.

I really like the concept of the show — stripping away all the distractions of high production values that typically go along with a concert performance so that (ideally) the pure unadulterated talent comes to the surface — I'm just not convinced that these two were the right people for the job. I think I came in with a minimal level of optimism, because I think both Miley and Madge have the power to surprise me vocally, but all that positive juju immediately vanished as soon as I saw their costumes.

They were dressed like 90s hillbilly popstars at their first Elton John concert, and that's probably the kindest compliment I can give them, under the circumstances. Especially since they soon proceeded to grind around on each other as if Madonna wasn't old enough to be Miley's mother. (In fact, at age fifty-five, she's actually one year older than cool-mom Tish Cyrus. Charming.)

They did a mash up of Madonna's song ‘Don't Tell Me' and Miley's song ‘We Can't Stop' and OH MY GOD It was just so awkward to watch, you guys. Miley so eager to please her idol Madonna, and Madonna so desperate to prove that she's still young and hip and relevant. And of course neither of them really has the pipes that they should for Unplugged, so they warble their way through a collaboration that feels like watching a very slow train wreck.

Eeeep, I can't look…and yet I'm mesmerized. Please just keep all the cameras pointed at Madonna, because I have a feeling if we take our eyes off of her for a single instant, she'll have Miley's bones cracked open, sucking out the marrow and rubbing it into her gums.