Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Are Engaged, Black Magic Likely Involved

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In news I did not see coming, 19-Year-Old Miley Cyrus and 22-Year-Old Liam Hemsworth are engaged. As in engaged to be married. As in Miley Cyrus hypothetically gets to have sex with Liam Hemsworth forever and ever and ever. She also hypothetically gets to see Chris Hemsworth on family vacations, over Thanksgiving and during every other intimate Hemsworth family moment that she shouldn't be privy to simply because she's Miley Cyrus.

My immediate reaction to hearing this absolutely insane story while calmly eating breakfast this morning? “&*%$#$$%%”

How is this possible? Just last month I spread rumors that the two recently purchased tickets to Break-Up City. And now I wake up to this gut-wrenching, soul-shaking news. The news that The Girl Who Adopts Dogs For Attention snagged one of the hottest men in Hollywood.

I just can't figure out why this incredibly young couple's settling down so fast. If she's pregnant, I'll die. I'll just die. She cannot be the woman to bear a cousin for India Rose Hemsworth. It's just not right. It might not even be legal. But I'd have to consult with a Disney contract expert to verify that.

According to People (the new official bearers of bad news) Liam proposed on May 31st with a 3.5 carat diamond ring. Miley tells the magazine,”I'm so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam.” Which means that not only will Miley be marrying Liam, but she'll also be using this publicity move to her advantage. Look forward to interviews, magazine covers, Barbara Walter specials and a leaked sex tape.

If this engagement doesn't reek of black magic, then I'll be damned. I've watched Hocus Pocus enough times to be able to spot witchcraft when I see it. And tell you what mortals, I see it. How else can this possibly be happening?!