In Case Lindsay Lohan Was Running Out Of Things To Tell Her Therapist, Michael Lohan Knocked Up Kate Major
Poor Lindsay Lohan. Just when you think her parents, Dina and Michael Lohan, are satisifed with their “Worst Parents in the Western Hemisphere” title, they start campaigning for the “Worst Parents in the Entire World, Including The Moon” awards.
What did these two wacky parents (who we accidentially let raise children) do now? Well, Michael Lohan decided to bring another child into the world. Because his lazy daughter Lindsay Lohan was so busy rebuilding her career, that she didn't have time to break any laws or publicly do drugs or kill an endangered animal — really anything that would have given him the opportunity to get on Entertainment Tonight and tell everyone that he's concerned about Lindsay.
So this time around he didn't want to take any chances in ensuring that his child turned out absolutely crazy. After all headlines about his dysfunctional family keep him young. They're the acai berry of the Lohan world. Therefore he decided to play a fun game of “knock up Kate Major, the former tabloid reporter who has a restraining order against me in order to maximize headlines.”
Want to play that games? Here are the rules.
1. Date a tabloid reporter for publicity.
2. Make sure tabloid reporter also has ulterior motives in the relationship.
3. Abuse her to the point that she gets a restraining order.
4. Have sex with her while the restraining order is still in place
While there's no information on this pregnancy besides that the fact that a rep for the couple confirms the news, I think it's safe to say that it's time to start a “Free Baby Major-Lohan” campaign. Kate's still early in her pregnancy and if we all work enough to get enough signatures, we can hopefully get the baby adopted out as soon as she/he leaves the womb. Maybe even sooner if we show a judge a photo of Michael Lohan publicly wearing a mesh tank top.
Preferably we can give this baby to a nice out-of-country couple who won't name the baby Headline Maker. Or force her to do a movie with a talking car.