Entertainment

Megan Fox Is Here To Remind You That Babies Are The Worst

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Megan Fox's new little baby Noah with her husband Brian Austin Green was only born in September, but he just became the most unpopular infant in all the land. Let me explain. You know how Megan Fox is always showing off her body? Like in little tiny bikinis and plunging necklines and stuff? Well I do. I know she does that because any time I see a picture of her, I can't help but notice that her body is so bangin' that it makes me want to climb on a treadmill and never get off, at the exact same moment that it makes me want to give up entirely and sit on the couch with an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. Looking at pictures of her is a very confusing time for my body.

But no longer. Ever since she gave birth, Megan has been much more aware of the public perception.

“It changes your perspective about being overly sexual in a film when you have a baby. I'm going to be more cautious about choosing films because I'm already thinking about when he's in school and his friends are going to be showing him my photo shoots with me in a bikini and he's going to be horrified. So that will deter me from making some of the choices I made before.”

Aw, shit. No more bikinis from Megan Fox? Every man in America just got so angry at this baby. Oh, and lest you think that she's only covering up because she doesn't want people to see her extra baby weight, don't be fooled:

“I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I'm still 10 pounds heavier but I don't want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it's not a priority right now.”

You dirty dirty bitch. Twenty-three pounds? For a whole baby? Give me a break. That is so unfair. That's the amount of weight I gain when someone SAYS the word ‘baby' around me. This is absurd. Already the entire male population is mad at your baby, and now the entire female population (myself included) is mad at you for being a freak of nature who's incapable of looking anything but gorgeous at all times. GUHHHH.

So basically, whether you're male or female, if you've been feeling any vague, directionless bitterness lately, it's probably for Megan and new baby Noah. I can take that for you right over here.

(Image: Darla Khazei / Pacific Coast News)

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