If Mean Girls Had Used These Terrible Alternate Endings, They Would Not Be Allowed To Sit With Us
The tenth anniversay of Mean Girls is at the end of this month. Take a second if you need it to reevaluate your life choices after hearing that… We good? Okay, great. Obviously that means everyone's going Mean Girls-crazy. So we've gone from referencing it in 90% of our conversations to referencing it an amount for which the limit does not exist. And we're also getting plenty of tidbits from the people involved in the film, like Daniel Franzese, who played Damian “Almost Too Gay To Function” I-Don't-Think-He-Had-a-Last-Name.
Daniel did an interview with Cosmopolitan and revealed there were a couple of alternate endings to the film that were considered. If you're excited to have something new and hilarious to quote amongst your friends, maybe don't be. They're not the best. Here's the first scenario, which focuses on Damian:
“There's actually a deleted scene from Mean Girls — the original ending shows what happened to Damian after [junior year], and he was going to audition for American Idol. Simon Cowell was going to call him chubby and then he was going to run up on the stage and punch him.”
I just… what? Tina Fey is a genius and could probably make anything funny, but really? First of all, why do we need to focus on Damian at the end, unless it was part of a larger montage of what happens to the character after the story? And punching Simon Cowell in the face? I mean, it would probably be cathartic for the audience, but I feel like Mean Girls is so much more clever than that. And I guess that's why they didn't film it.
And here's the other scenario that almost made it in:
“There was actually a complete alternate ending to the movie. In the original script that I read, Kevin G. gets busted by Miss Norbury for selling ecstasy — so when they call her a drug pusher she actually has drugs in her desk, [because] she took them away from Kevin G. Janis and Damian convince Kevin G. to go to the school board when they discuss her punishment to confess that it was him, but Kevin G never shows up. So Damian gets on the podium and kind of bullshits his way through saying it was him to try to protect Miss Norbury.”
Whaaa… Kevin G is great and all, but I don't really think he should have that much effect on the plot. Also that seems like too much of a coincidence that Cady would call Miss Norbury a drug pusher and then she'd actually have drugs in her desk. And they totally should have been marijuana tablets. Okay, I'm obviously overanalyzing this, especially considering these weren't in the movie and we ended up with a flawless product to watch on TV every weekend. So I'll shut up now.