A Cliff Notes Guide To The Marriage Drama Between Mariah Carey And Nick Cannon

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Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon attending Screen Actors Guild Awards (SAG) January 2014I don't know if you guys have ventured outside the rock you live under lately, but if you have, you know that shit is really hitting the fan in the Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon relationship right now.

It seems like a pretty intense thing with a lot of explosive potential, but we've also never really covered them as a couple (on account of not at all understanding how they got together in the first place and how they've lasted this long), so we have to make up for all that now. Please join us for a very special presentation of ‘Mariah and Nick: Who What Where When Why How'. Or, to use a term more accepted by society — the cliff notes.

Who are Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon?

Oh you know, they're that wildly mismatched couple made up of the diva who fought with Nicki Minaj on American Idol and that dummy who thought Amanda Bynes was just fine and dandy until about thirty seconds before she got involuntarily committed to a hospital to treat her mental illness. They have an eleven year age difference.

Really? Them? How long have they been married?

A little over six years — since April 30th, 2008.

How long did they know each other before tying the knot?

So glad you asked! Six weeks. They met on the set of a video shoot, and got married on a private island in the Bahamas just about a month and a half later, with no prior announcement.

Is that a long enough amount of time to get to know someone and pledge your life to them? 

I'm inclined to say no, but feel free to ask Khloe Karadshian and Lamar Odom, because they did the same thing.

Do they have kids? 

Yup, two — fraternal twins, who turned three this past April, that they call ‘dem babies' (I know). The daughter, Monroe, is named after Marilyn Monroe, and the son, Moroccan, is named after the style of hotel room that Nick proposed to Mariah in.

Is that a dumb thing to name your kid after?

Not really, unless it bothers you to go through your whole life knowing you're only  $10,000 a night away from being named Marriott.

What's their current living situation?

According to Nick they've been ‘living in separate houses for a few months', which many have interpreted to mean they've been living in the separate, adjoining properties that Mariah owns in New York City.

Why are they divorcing? 

All we got out of Nick was that ‘there is trouble in paradise' and that bit about living in separate houses, before he got slapped with a gag order from Mariah and her legal team.

Yeah but what's the real reason? Did he cheat?

He says he didn't, but Mariah seems to think he did, as she's reportedly been sending security guards to spy on him when he's away from her, staying at fancy hotels where bronzed, nubile maidens abound. There are also rumors that Nick is worried about Mariah's emotional stability, and if you believe Nick's dad, who's a preacher, there's a whole lot more to it than all that. He posted the following screed to his Facebook. He later deleted it, but Necole Bitchie was on the case:

Here a thing to talk about if the wife love sex and the man can’t stand making love to her. What should that women do?

Heres a thing, if the husband say no lies, and the wife lies all the time, what should that man do?

Here a thing, if the wife put on 200 pounds and the husband like a nice slim wife what should that man do?

If a husband tells his wife not to have an abortion, and she it anyways, what should that man do?

Here a thing, if a husband wants to have ten children and his wife only wants two children then what should that man do?

So…that's a lot. Feel free to take all these grains of salt I've collected and then read into that as much as you goddamn want.

But what's the real real reason?

I DON'T KNOW. Sorry for yelling. But we honestly have no idea, because like we said, Nick is apparently under a pretty tight gag order and isn't at liberty to talk about it. Which is why his dad is running his mouth like a lunatic.

What's next?

If I had to guess — nothing good.

But regardless, are we shocked?

No. No we are not. We wish the best for the kids, but this has been rumored for years now, so it was a long time coming.

And there you have it! Any questions?

(Photo: Bridow / WENN.com)