Madonna Somehow Outselling Lady Gaga On Her Tour — I Blame Black Magic And Soul-Stealing

By  | 

Madonna is up to some kind of trickery, you guys. Even though we all know that her fame is fleeting and needs to come to an end so that Lady Gaga can rise like a phoenix from her ashes, Madonna refuses to allow that to happen. Which is crazy. Madonna is 54, Lady Gaga is 26. Based on the laws of the animal kingdom, it's time for Madge to let herself get chubby, find a nice quiet mansion somewhere, and slide slowly into obscurity so that Gaga's Little Monsters can lift her up to that most holiest throne in the sky: the Princess of Pop. But that's not happening.

In fact, Madonna's MDNA Tour is actually out-selling Lady Gaga's Born This Way Tour. Like three to one, so a pretty massive extent, especially when you consider that MDNA tickets are three times more expensive than Monster Ball tickets. Yowzers. I honestly had no idea that Madonna was still that popular. Or that Lady Gaga was that unpopular, as The Examiner is alleging that the Mother Monster has been padding her ticket sales to make them sound more impressive. According to Gaga, she was playing to crowds of 50,000 in South America, but her ticket sales were actually closer to 17,000. It's likely that she physically filled the seats — most likely by giving them away or offering steep discounts — but still, that's a discrepancy of 33,000 tickets. This is in comparison to Madonna, who's been selling out night after night, performing for sold-out audiences of 55,000 without having to offer discount rates or deals on ticket prices. I'm no math major, but 17,000 to 55,000? That's a difference of 38,000 tickets, which could buy Madonna an untold amount of diamond-spiked baby bone marrow to smear on her crow's feet.

So how is she doing this? I need answers. I know Madonna is not this popular. I know none of her fans will have a problem with me saying this, and I know none of them will comment on this post telling me I'm a terrible person and they hope I die. Here's what I do know. Madonna knows black magic. Clearly. Otherwise the events in South America are impossible. Somewhere, she has a Lady Gaga-shaped voodoo doll, and she is putting pins in its money-making pressure points. Then while Gaga is incapacitated, Madonna goes to her crystal ball and drinks her soul out like wisps of smoke until she is rejuvenated and made younger and Lady Gaga is made more and more like Stefani Germanotta. There's no other explanation. But I see what you're doing, Madonna. I see you and I am not afraid.

(Image: WENN.com)