If You Like Two-Dimensional Characters Winning Money, You’ll Love Lucky 7

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Lucky 7 pilot September 2013 1x01 recapLast night was just all about the television cliches for me, I guess. First I watched Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which was heavy on the superhero references (obviously) but light on the…anything else. And then I watched Lucky 7, at 10:00pm on ABC, and got to meet a whole new cast of unrealistic cliches! Lucky me! Pun…intended. Or not intended. I don't care either way, I'm just exhausted from all those silly caricatures.

Lucky 7 centers on Gold Star gas station in Astoria, Queens, whose workers have all been throwing in on a lottery pool for years. And — spoiler alert — before the end of this episode THEY WILL WIN THE LOTTERY. Obviously. Because with characters like this, why wouldn't we give them $45 million to split between seven of them?!

And they've got all their cliche bases covered, like I mentioned. There's the lonely single mom in love with her coworker who happens to be almost a new dad himself, living in his mom's house with his pregnant, manipulative girlfriend and his recently paroled, ne'er-do-well brother who ALSO works at the gas station and hooks up with a young Indian woman putting herself through school whose family wants her to marry a nice doctor. The relationship is secret from them (and everyone), but they would NOT approve.

There's also a sunny, optimistic overweight woman who just discovered her husband is cheating on her, a kindly old manager of the store, and one other guy deeply in love with his wife who — gasp! — is so fiscally responsible that he hasn't been chipping into the pool every week, and thus doesn't win any money when the rest of the employees do.

But before that happens, we have to get a bunch of back story on everyone, which shows us that every single person desperately needs money for something really important. They're all scrimping and saving in their personal lives, and nobody more so than the two brothers, Nicky and Matt Korzak, played by Stephen Louis Grush and Matt Long. Nicky is the ex-con and he has some menacing drug dealers to pay off, while Matt's pregnant girlfriend is putting her foot down about living in the house with his mom anymore.

THINGS HAVE GOTTA CHANGE. And Nicky has an idea! He decides that it's a good idea for himself and Matt to stage a robbery at the gas station where they themselves work. Nicky wears a mask and forces Matt onto the ground in front of the cameras. And this would've maybe gone off without a hitch, except they were interrupted mid-robbery by the kindly old owner of the store, Isiah Whitlock Jr.. OH NO. So Nicky decides to knock him out and he has to go to the hospital and Matt is feeling really guilty, but now he has like thousands of free dollars and the gas station is gonna be covered by insurance anyway.

BUT THEN. They win the lottery. Like the very next day, and suddenly they're flush with money and the manager might not make it. Irony's a bitch, am I right Alanis Morisette?

Scandal, right? Now did I miss anything? You also see a gun, a baby, and a hand job in the first forty-two minute episode, so executive producer Steven Spielberg is really cramming things in there. Maybe he needs a nap? Or not. I mean with a cast as varied as this, you can pretty much just start plugging them into situations and watch what they do.

Feel like watching it for yourself? Do that.

Or do you want to spend your time more productively, watching something that we here at Crushable actually liked? Here's our 2013 New Fall TV Show Guide. Enjoy.