Sunday Roundup:The 10 Funniest Lines From Louis C.K.’s HBO Special ‘Oh My God’

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Sunday Roundup The 10 Funniest Lines From Louis C K s HBO Special  Oh My God  Louis CK Oh My God HBO Special 4 13 13 jpg

In my opinion Louis C.K.‘s newest HBO stand-up special, Oh My God, should just have been titled “Sorry To The Dane Cooks And The Daniel Toshes Of The World But You’ll Never Be Me.”  And before I get death threats in the comments section, let me emphasize that this is how feel.  I’ve never really found much substance in “college comedy” and making fun of idiots on the web.  I think it’s too easy.  I’m not saying I’ve never laughed at Dane Cook or Daniel Tosh, I’m just saying that it takes a certain level of brilliance to achieve what Louis C.K. did last night.

Like most stand-up comedians, he covered a wide range of topics that most people can relate to. What makes Louis C.K. stand out is his delivery.  It’s never rehearsed-sounding; never over-the-top.  It’s like he’s telling one long, crazy story to a group of his friends – and it makes the audience feel honored just to be included.

Now for the good stuff!  Below were just a few lines/jokes that made me (and probably everyone watching) LOL.  Bear with me, I tried to copy them as verbatim as I could.

On aging:
“Then I saw a guy with no legs wheeling himself past the old lady and I heard him say ‘Ugh, I’d rather have air down there than THOSE legs.”

“I know I’m getting old because there will be times when I’m not even doing anything and I’ll think, ‘I need to go wipe my ass right now.'”

On “being other stuff,” like seals and dead fish:
“What seals at the zoo are really saying when they bark is ‘I’M A SLAVE, KILL ME.'”

“And then I flushed my daughter’s dead fish because who gives a shit.”

On boobs:
“You always know a tit.  I could be standing in front of a woman and accidentally bump her through a jacket, a sweater and a bra and I know that I touched a tit.'”

On divorce and parenting:
“Being divorced has been the greatest time of my life.  Unlike marriage, did you ever hear anyone ever say ‘yeah, my divorce isn’t working out’? NEVER. You NEVER hear that.”

“I’m a great father because I only get my kids for half the week.  It’s every parent’s fantasy. I say goodbye to them on Wednesdays and know that I’ll be lying in a pile of my own filth until it’s time to see them again.”

On Richard Nixon’s presidency vs. Barack Obama’s:
“Today people are like, ‘The president’s kind of disappointing.’ Really? Our president wept like an insane person and then got on a helicopter and flew away!”

On parents today:
“Literally no one is watching your kid’s videos on Facebook.  No one.  I could post a video where the first minute is my kid dancing and the next 20 are just of my asshole and people would still comment, ‘oh that’s adorable!’ because they’re not watching the videos you post of your kid on Facebook.”

On why human life is amazing:
“No other species is at the top of the food chain. We get to eat, fuck, and read To Kill A Mockingbird. We get to put bacon in our mouths!”

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(Photo: HBO)