10 Things I Hope Happen During Lindsay Lohan’s First Post-Rehab Outing

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Lindsay Lohan New York City April 2013

As far as we all know, Lindsay Lohan is currently curled up at Betty Ford all safe and sound, possibly under a homemade quilt, learning lots of lessons and stuff. But we're all waiting for her to get out of there so we can see what she does next. We now know that she'll be present at the Venice Film Festival this August when her film The Canyons (co-starring porn star James Deen) premieres. What will happen? Will rehab have changed her? Will she be the same ol' LiLo? I've put together a list of a few things I'd like to see happen at this newly announced post-rehab outing. I believe all of them are extremely likely. I'm not saying they're all gonna definitely happen, except that I am.

1. Lindsay arrives at the premiere in a gondola (because Venice), realizes there's no smoking allowed, turns that gondola right around to find a premiere that does allow it.

2. When asked what she thought of her gondolier, Lindsay responds, “I do not have gondolier! I was just tested!”

3. Lindsay enters the event looking fabulous with her signature red hair, and then decides while inside that she'd rather be blonde. She exits the event with platinum hair.

4. Lindsay answers all red carpet questions as if she's playing Elizabeth Taylor again.

Reporter: What was it like working with James Deen in this film?

Lindsay: Oh, it was incredible. James Dean is such an icon, and I'm so glad I was asked to reprise my role as Elizabeth Taylor for this remake of Giant. It was such an honor.

5. Joan Rivers is on the red carpet to make approximately twenty-five jokes about how Lindsay flashed her “canyon” when she got out of the car.

6. Farrah Abraham wanders in (through the back door, obvs) thinking it's the premiere of her movie with James Deen.

7. Lindsay drags in one enormous suitcase for every half-hour of the event, because she needs as many “looks” as possible.

8. Nobody claps after the movie, except for Charlie Sheen, who shows up out of nowhere to have his own personal standing ovation. He then pays for Lindsay's parking.

9. Halfway through the screening, the movie changes over to a five-minute short film written by, directed by, edited by, scored by, and starring Michael Lohan. Then the real movie picks back up. Michael is escorted out of the projection booth.

10. Lindsay decides she likes the omelettes at rehab better than Italian omelettes, so she opts to return to rehab for another 90 days. Twist!

(Photo: HRC/WENN.com)