Lindsay Lohan Wants J.K. Rowling To Write Her Memoirs, Should Start Practicing The Imperius Curse Now
Hey you, over there! Were you looking for proof that Lindsay Lohan has lost her goddamned mind? Because I think I just found some.
Apparently she's currently looking for someone to help her write her memoirs, in her twenty-eight long years on Earth that she's learned a lot of crucial lessons (although none that I can call to mind), and it's her duty as a responsible human being to share those with us. But she can't write it herself, obviously! She's much too busy denying the rumors that she's fallen off the wagon and attempting to lower her voice another octave via the judicious use of cigarettes.
Lindsay is currently in London rehearsing for Speed The Plow, that show that I'm predicting will give her understudy a bunch of stage time, and according to the UK Sun, during some of her time off recently, she ‘held meetings at major publishing houses in London'. Because while she may not actually be writing the book herself, the content is allll LiLo.
“The stories she promised the literary agents made their jaws drop. She’s prepared to put everything out there, and has already proved she’s not shy with the list of men she claims to have slept with.”
I mean yeah, it makes sense that she'd want to cash in on those details, since when the list of dudes she'd supposedly banged came out, it got her more publicity than she'd had in years. (Mostly from people denying that they'd ever had sex with her, but tomato tomato, y'know?)
But you know which part of this story doesn't make sense? The fact that she reportedly wants J.K. Rowling to help her write this masturpiece (typo intentional). That's right everybody! LiLo supposedly wants the writer of Harry Potter to roll up her sleeves and get elbow-deep in sex list stories. If you're seriously expecting that to happen, I hope you know actual magic, and at least two Unforgivable Curses. I think you'll find the Imperius Curse particularly helpful.
“It may seem unlikely, but she thinks she’s in with a shot of getting [Fifty Shades of Grey‘s] E.L. James to work on it — they met recently at the Chiltern Firehouse and got on well. Another pie in the sky idea was that she might persuade J.K. Rowling to work with her.”
Yeah ‘pie in the sky' is a good way of putting it, except it doesn't go quite far enough. Maybe wedding cake in the sky? Or endless dessert buffet shitshow in the sky? That might cover it.