Lindsay Lohan Dating A Pop Star, Presumably To Harvest His Organs

By  | 

You guys, this next sentence is really gonna throw you for a loop, but Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week. (Or month. Or year. Or life, for that matter. But this post is more about her week.) She's being charged with assault for punching a lady in the face at a club, where numerous witnesses have alleged that she was chugging alcohol and doing cocaine. What's worse, her victim, Tiffany Mitchell, is being represented by Gloria Allred, only one of the most famous lawyers in the country. Even if she doesn't win the case against Lindsay, you gotta know that she's gonna run up a helluva bill with Lindsay's lawyers. So what's a poor broke Lilo to do? Her Lifetime movie Liz and Dick was a legitimate bust unless you like pity-based drinking games, and her fellow messface Charlie Sheen has already had to lend her $100,000 to help get her out of debt.

At this point, the only thing that Lindsay has of any value is her vast designer clothing collection and her alleged piles of cocaine. I've heard you can't sell cocaine back once it's out of the wrapper, so I guess it's time for Lindz to start selling some clothes and shit. There are reports that she's been sending her little sister Ali to a secondhand store in LA called Wasteland, which has been insulting the good name of Lohan by refusing to pay market price for things she's thrown up in, I mean been photographed in.

But now Lindsay's had an epiphany — organ harvest. She can date famous people, lure them into a drugged sleep, steal their organs, sell them on the black market, and then stitch them up again good as new. Is there any proof of this? Absolutely not! Except for the fact that Lindsay is now dating Max George of The Wanted, and I can't think of any reason for doing that except to steal his kidney(s). In fact, my theory is given even more creedence based on the fact that Max won't actually acknowledge he's dating her. He's finally admitted that he did, in fact, invite her backstage at the Jingle Ball, but that's it. However, TMZ is reporting that she has joined The Wanted on tour in Boston by hitching a ride on their tour bus — and not hiding in the wheel wells, like I originally suspected, but actually in a seat. In the words of their source:

“[Max] doesn't want a girlfriend, and is a single guy … but doesn't mind having Lindsay around.”

Wow. That is so sweet. The poor guy, he sounds like he's really in love. He's gonna be devastated when LiLo breaks him open looking for drugs and candy like a Lohan piñata.

(Image: Greg Tidwell / Pacific Coast News)