UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan Wasn’t Too Sick To Fly After All, But Still Gets No Jail Time

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Lindsay Lohan At Nozomi RestaurantUPDATE: Lindsay made it to her court date! After realizing that her ‘too sick to fly' gig might not pan out, Lindsay grabbed the last possible plane out of JFK last night, arriving in LAX at 12:30am PST. Professional moral compass Dina Lohan joined her for the excursion. Her hearing started around 8:30am PST annnnd she's already out. With no jail time issued, for the moment. She does have two more trail dates — March 1st and March 18th, in connection with lying to the cops — but she's apparently free and clear until then. Ugh, gross. Why does her (hopefully) inevitable jail sentence keep getting kicked down the road? Well there's actually a good explanation this time. Lindsay's long-suffering judge Stephanie Sautner is beginning her well-deserved retirement. But before that happens, she fired off some final shots at Lindsay's new attorney, Mark Heller, who was still trying to convince her that Lindsay really was sick, but decided to come last minute to “show respect to the court.” Yeah, nice try. When he said that, and described the illness as an upper respiratory infection, Judge Sautner said, “Is that like a cold?” Heller tried to explain that it was more like the flu, and the judge came back with, “No it’s not…the flu is the flu.” YES GIRL. She's so fed up with Lindsay's nonsense and I love it. I wish she could be her jduge forever. Later in the hearing, when Heller was trying to make small talk about their shared roots in New York, she cut him off with, “Flattery doesn't get you anywhere in this court.”

I'm obsessed.

It's that time of year again, folks! Nope, not award season — Lindsay Lohan‘s court dates. Remember what a busy summer she's had? With all the hitting of the cars and of the people? Well I've been waiting months and months for this and her first court date is tomorrow, so I can't wait to hunker down in front of my laptop with sleepover snacks and Zimas and watch this shit go down.

Orrrrr NOT. Lindsay has had her not-yet-approved lawyer Mark Heller submit documents asserting that she's too sick to fly. According to this paperwork, Lindsay has found some doctor on Park Avenue who says it's not safe for her to fly, both for her own wellbeing and for the people around her. Although it's important to point out that it's never safe to be on a plane with Lindsay Lohan, so I'll allow that as a fair point. But in this case they're saying it's because she has an upper respiratory infection, and as proof they're submitting a January 11th article from the New York Post talking about a flu epidemic in New York City.

Oh okay cool, I didn't know that's how we were doing things now. So it's cool if I tell my editor, “Hey Jenni, I'm so sorry I couldn't come in to work today, but I am sick. Cough cough. Here is an article on the swine flu. I found it on Wikipedia and have added my own name in for your convenience.” Is that how that works? Well in this case, probably not, because the ever-faithful paparazzi snapped a ton of pictures of Lindsay out and about on Saturday, the day after she was supposedly checked out by a doctor. And the thing is, she doesn't look super sick, shockingly. Unless I'm wrong, and you're supposed to be smoking when you have an upper respiratory infection? The smoke is probably ultra-soothing, as is being outside on an all-day shopping spree. In an ideal world, if Lindsay misses the meeting tomorrow and her excuse is proven invalid, then a warrant could (and should) be issued for her arrest. But even if that happens, Lindsay's team will probably just cough up the bail money, which in the past has been around $100,000. Cough it up? You get it? Because of the upper respiratory thing? Yeah, forget it.

(Image: Spiller / WENN.com)