Don’t Worry, Guys — Lindsay Lohan Has Only Done Coke Four Times

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Lindsay Lohan leaving taping of The Late Show with David Letterman New York City April 2013With Lindsay Lohan finally nestled up all snug in her rehab bed, I bet you'd like to read some quotes from the last interview she gave before she went in there, right? It'll probably be just chock full of honest regrets and statements from the heart, the kind of thing that will leave me with a grudging respect for her and everything she's gone through to get to this point. Orrrrr not. Even though she's supposed to stay in there for ninety days, and I'd assume that would induce someone to tell the truth because she's got nothing to lose, that's never quite been the LiLo way. You know, taking responsibility for things and admitting her own failures and whatnot? Any adult things that adults do (like going to the right rehab facility the first time), Lindsay isn't super into, so don't wait up for anything along those lines when you read this pre-rehab interview she gave to Piers Morgan.

To his credit, Piers actually did ask all those tough questions that I'd be railing off if I ever got ten minutes in an interview room with her, but her answers are almost scary in their complete denial that she might have any kind of problem. First of all, she doesn't even think rehab is the best place for her, even though she chose it over a 180-day jail sentence.

“I look at it as a good thing. I can come back afterwards and be fully focused on work. But I think there are other things I could do instead of going to a rehab center that would benefit me more. The best thing they could do for me would be to make me go abroad to different countries and work with children.”

Yes, Lindsay. Let's please place you an environment where children need to depend on you. I think you've proven without a doubt that you're reliable and come through in a crisis. Never would I ever define your behavior as erratic. But here's another question, Linds. Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?

“I don’t think so. [I've] never been a huge drinker. But when I was younger I was definitely going out too much and I was drinking too much. I was accused of everything, even stealing a necklace. I’d never steal a necklace … So, there’s like a slew of things that have gone on like that which have been such a strain.”

I…what? You've never been a huge drinker? Girl, you've had multiple arrests for driving under the influence! And in this same interview you admit that the first time you had a drink, you were underage and you did it until you vomited! Just saying, maybe that's worth another look. You can at least admit you do coke though, right? Right?

“I don’t like it. It reminds me of my dad. I took it four times in a period from about the age of 20 to 23, and I got caught twice … It’s the truth. I’ve never taken heroin either, never injected myself with anything, never done LSD. Those things all scare me. I’ve never been a junkie, and never will be. I just like going out late to clubs with friends and listening to music. Always have done,” she reveals. “It’s not that unusual for girls of 26!”

But…I…no…that's…come on. COME ON. You really expect rational human beings to believe that you've been caught two out of the four times you've ever tried coke? That's fifty percent of the time, Lindsay! That's a terrible average! You are getting an F in ‘doing cocaine and not getting caught'. You should go back to cocaine school and try to get a double major in secrecy and also TELLING THE TRUTH WHEN PRESSED. We are not stupid human beings, Lindsay. Do yourself a favor and start practicing some honesty. Word on the street is that that approach is realllll helpful in rehab, even for just a normal girl of six and twenty years. Just saying.

(Image: HRC / WENN.com)