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Stolen From The Womb Reminds Us That Being A Lifetime Movie Baby Sucks

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Lifetime movie Stolen From the Womb 2

Meanwhile Diane seems to be the only person in the world who isn't creeped out by Chelsey's clinginess. Her friend Paula (Tammy Gillis) takes note of the crazy eyes the first night she meets Chelsey, and later when Chelsey ends up crashing a party she wasn't invited to so she can vent about her marriage, all the rest of Diane's friends get the loony toon vibe as well. But Diane's just like, “Aww she's not crazy, she's just had a tough life. She's so resilient and brave and I admire her so much. But mostly I just like hanging out with her because she makes my life look a hundred times more perfect by comparison.”

Eventually Diane and her husband visit the doctor and find out that the baby has a condition and will need to be operated on immediately after being born. I believe the condition is called “Plot Device to Build Suspense When Chelsey Steals the Baby From Diane's Womb” Syndrome. It's very serious.

Diane continues to defend Chelsey to her friends, but the thing that finally makes her realize maybe she's been a little naive is when Chelsey shows up uninvited to her baby shower and gifts her with an expensive stroller. Cut to Diane ignoring Chelsey's calls and politely shutting the door in her face when she comes over to talk to her. This won't do at all if Chelsey's still planning to steal that baby. Which she is, of course.

Chelsey follows Diane to a cafe and talks her ear off about made-up problems over tea. Tea that's been spiked with a labor-inducing drug, obviously. Obviously Diane has never seen a Lifetime movie, so she doesn't realize you should never accept a drink from someone you know has previously sat outside your house watching you. Diane starts to feel sick, so Chelsey drives her to her house. She makes sure to leave Diane's cell phone behind in the cafe, where the barista, a long-haired Thor lookalike, finds it on the floor. Thor proves very helpful when Diane's friends and family try to find her. Thanks, Thor. Always saving the day.

Unfortunately before Diane's peeps can get to her, Chelsey delivers her baby. She really prepared well for the occasion, since she dresses Diane in a hospital gown, ties her wrists to the bed, and has a plethora of baby-delivering tools at the ready. “Oh my God, you're crazy,” Diane says to her. Yeah, you're just now realizing that?

After Diane delivers the baby, which appears to have been born completely cordless (modern technology, yo), she realizes he's turning purple and decides that won't do at all. So she grabs a little blood, smears it between her legs (cue gagging on my part), and rushes to the hospital to pretend she just gave birth. Unfortunately when you tell people in a hospital you just gave birth and are bleeding, they kind of want to examine you. And when they discover that your lady parts have not, in fact, just expelled an infant, they get suspicious.

Luckily a neighbor is taking out the trash at the perfect time to hear Diane screaming for help, and she gets rescued and rushed to the same hospital where her baby is now undergoing surgery and the lady who stole her baby is undergoing a psych evaluation. Meanwhile Chelsey's husband remains a poor clueless dumbass with no idea what's going on. But everything ends up being okay, because the baby survives and so does Diane, and Chelsey ends the movie singing a lullaby to a baby doll in a mental institution. Why do I feel like at least fifty Lifetime movies have ended that exact same way?

(Images: Lifetime)

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