Entertainment

Stolen From The Womb Reminds Us That Being A Lifetime Movie Baby Sucks

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Lifetime movie Stolen From the Womb June 2014

If reincarnation exists, I've got my fingers crossed I don't come back next time as a Lifetime movie baby, because in that case I'm definitely screwed. As last night's Stolen From the Womb reminded us, Lifetime movie babies really can't catch a break. If they're born to teenage mothers they'll have to deal with incompetent parenting and poor living situations. If they're carried by a surrogate, that surrogate will probably claim them as her own. If they're left unattended for more than five seconds, someone will snatch them. And, as we saw last night, even if they haven't been born yet, someone already has plans to steal them.

We open in a hospital room, where Chelsey (Laura Mennell) gives birth to a stillborn baby. Oh no that's really sad, but I'm sure she won't resort to anything rash later in the movie because of it. Actually, scratch that, I am sure she'll do that, because the movie's called Stolen From the Womb and Lifetime has taught me that women who can't have babies of their own are all psychopaths. So it's a good thing the baby-stealing won't take me by surprise.

Cut to months in the future, and we meet Diane, a pregnant woman with a professor husband and a perfect life. Every baby-stealing movie has to have one in order for the baby-stealer to have someone to steal the baby from. It's in the “How to Write a Baby-Stealing Movie” handbook. Diane is played by Larisa Oleynik. That name might not mean much to you. But what if I told you she played Alex Mack? If you're a '90s kid it's very likely your head just exploded, so take a moment to clean up and then we can move on. Ready? Wonderful.

Diane and Chelsey meet for the first time in a pregnant yoga class. That's right, Chelsey's pregnant again. And she and Diane happen to be due around the same time. It's perfect for when Chelsey will inevitably have a miscarriage, pretend she's still pregnant, and steal someone else's baby to pass as her own. Or whatever's gonna happen, I don't know. Chelsey and Diane become fast friends, fast enough for Chels to start unloading all her sadness onto Diane. Like how she and her husband separated after she suffered three miscarriages in a year. You wanted a lady villain with past trauma? There you go.

Like I said before, Chelsey ends up having another miscarriage, but she decides to just not tell anyone about it so they think she's still pregnant. Eventually this involves wearing a fake baby bump and pretending to go to doctor's appointments. All the while she's practically stalking poor clueless Diane and spending her free time singing lullabies to a teddy bear in a rocking chair. You know, typical baby crazy stuff.

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