Entertainment

Lifetime Movie Lethal Seduction Was A Fun Game Of ‘Count The Innuendos’

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Lifetime movie Lethal Seduction July 2015

Last night's Lifetime movie Lethal Seduction was ten times more entertaining than the similarly titled Deadly Adoption, without starring famous comedians. I know Deadly Adoption apparently wasn't made to be a parody, but neither was this movie, and it still turned out to be hilarious. I promise I won't spend my entire recap complaining about Deadly Adoption. I just wanted to make it clear for the hundredth time why that movie was so disappointing, while also letting you know that Lethal Seduction was the cheesiest, most WTF entertainment Lifetime's had to offer in a long time.

This week our protagonist (Caleb Ruminer) is a teenage boy for once. His name is Mark, and he has all the trappings of a Lifetime movie heroine, including a single (widowed) mom and amazing grades. He's just graduated high school and has a full scholarship to Princeton. Unfortunately, in Lifetime movies, book smarts usually go hand in hand with complete and total dumbassery in all other aspects of life, otherwise there would be no plot.

Mark's mom Tanya (Amanda Detmer) is supposed to be overprotective, but to me she just seems like a normal mom who doesn't want her son sleeping with crazy middle-aged women. But we'll get to that. As it is, Tanya's overprotective behavior just involves intercepting a sexy bathing suit moment between Mark and his crush and sending the local deacon over to play Bible trivia with him and his friends. Could be worse.

One day Tanya sends Mark on an errand to the hardware store, where he participates in a very obvious The Graduate reference as he's shot from between a sexy woman's legs while he bends down in the aisle. The woman (played by Lifetime vet Dina Meyer) asks for his help, and he recommends the shower massager his mom uses. The woman asks if his mom is single, and Mark cluelessly says yes. “Then this'll do just fine,” the woman responds seductively. If you think that's the end of the innuendos, just you wait.

The woman says her name is Carissa Kensington, because of course it is, and she asks Mark to come back to her house to help her install her new purchase, offering him money. Mark is unsure at first, because he needs to get back home, and also #strangerdanger, but despite his hesitation he's still a horny teenager, so he agrees. He also agrees to having sex with her in the shower, after a brief pep talk with himself outside the bathroom that's like a more subdued version of Shia's “Just Do It” video. They also have sex in Carissa's bed and in the kitchen. And Mark still manages to make it home with enough time to brag about his sexploits to his friend Walter (Sam Lerner), who dresses like the sidekick in a '90s sitcom.

Mark ends up going out with Carissa and tells her that he writes computer code and is developing an app for moms whose sons have gone off to college. He makes it sound like all moms without their sons home are helpless and/or senile, but Carissa thinks it's brilliant and offers to introduce him to her tech friend. She used to have a rich husband who died (probably because she murdered him, although that's never made clear), so of course she has a tech friend.

When Carissa gets up to go to the bathroom, some random guy approaches Mark and warns him to get out while he still can, because she's crazy. When Carissa returns, she makes a suggestive comment about knowing how to work a stick, so obviously he forgets the ominous warning he just received and leaves to have more sex. I'm sure Princeton is very proud.

Carissa progressively acts more and more crazy, first joking to Mark that her outdoor sauna is her torture chamber, a comment which is accompanied by the greatest dramatic music cue in the history of Lifetime movies. Then we get a scene with absolutely no context whatsoever in which Carissa stares at herself in the mirror while popping nondescript pills and crying. Then she punches the glass. You know, general crazy lady stuff.

Carissa decides to take the crazy to the next level by showing up to Mark's house for dinner. Instead of being like, “Whoa, get out of my house crazy middle-aged lady who's seducing my son,” Tanya sits through the meal being passive-aggressive. When she finally loses it and tells them their relationship is inappropriate, Carissa makes sure to tell her that Mark is “very much a man.” And I made sure to throw up a little bit in my mouth when I heard that.

Mark goes home with Carissa, where they make out in the pool and she suggests they try something more dangerous. By that she means handcuffing Mark to the pool ladder while they have sex and forcing him under the water with her thrusts. Mark is apparently really into nearly drowning during intercourse, because he sticks around for the night.

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