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Blindsided Fulfills Lifetime’s New Year’s Resolution To Show More Movies About Blind Ladies

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Lifetime Movie Blindsided Michael Keaton 2014

After enduring Chad's creepy “I'll clean your boyfriend's blood off you”-style groping, Sara escapes his clutches by running down an ungodly number of stairs into the basement, where the sweet doorman Antonio comes to help — and is immediately and predictably killed by Chad. Sara finally gets to the street, where she's helped by Michael Keaton. And she didn't even have to say “Beetlejuice” three times! He tells her he's a lawyer named Hollander, but he's actually in cahoots with Chad and leads her right back to her penthouse.

Hollander soon realizes that Ryan was a total cliché and hid thousands of dollars inside a blown-up version of one of Sara's photographs. They presumably have what they need and leave, but it's only halfway through the movie so either they want something else or the next hour is going to consist of Sara huddled against the wall crying. Naturally when night falls it turns out the bad guys are still there and asking her where Chad hid his $20 million in diamonds. In order to get her to confess, Hollander drops her black cat Shadow over the side of the terrace. That's when I wrote in my notes, “I AM DONE WITH THIS MOVIE!” One thing I will simply not stand for in movies is animal murder, especially when the victim is a cat.

But I sucked it up and kept watching. Here's where Sara starts showing how smart she is and begins to play games with her captors. She convinces Chad (who's not the brightest) that he should kill Hollander and take his half of the diamonds, offering to let him do “whatever he wants.” (I think she means sex.) When she still refuses to tell them where the diamonds are, they resort to waterboarding her. Well, this is definitely the first Lifetime movie I've seen featuring this particular form of torture. You?

That's when Sara's sister and her husband come to the door for their lame-o appearance. Sara lies and says she and Ryan are having a fight and they should leave, but of course that makes her sister even more eager to stay. How to get rid of her? Have her go into labor right then and there and have to rush to the hospital. And they're never mentioned again. Hope the baby's healthy, and that they named it Plot Device.

Sara continues to mess with Hollander, telling him she thinks the diamonds might be in the plants on the terrace. Spoiler alert: They're not. They're hidden in the ice cubes that Chad has just taken out to put in Hollander's scotch. Chad secretly melts the ice and takes the diamonds for himself, planning to kill Hollander. But Hollander suspects what he's done and shoots him first. Sara then stabs Hollander with some kind of hoe (I'm not well-versed in gardening tools) and trips on a lamp, causing the lights to go out. Now her enemy is blind too, as happens in every blind lady movie. Chad still isn't dead, so he and Hollander fight some more before he gets finished off, and then Sara shoots at Hollander on the terrace, missing a lot because, you know, she's blind.

Sara eventually taunts Hollander by tossing a few of his precious diamonds over the side of the terrace, leading them to have a fight over the gun that ends in him falling to his death during a dazzling fireworks display. Happy New Year! We end the movie with Sara refreezing the remaining diamonds and putting them back into the freezer. So I guess she knew about them the whole time. Either that or she saw the opportunity to keep some fine-ass diamonds to herself and took it.

But the best part of the whole movie is when we see Shadow the black cat walk over Michael Keaton's dead body on the pavement below. She's alive, everybody! She landed on her feet! Hallelujah and praise Lifetime! Shadow lives!

(Images: Lifetime)

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