Entertainment

12 Reasons A Day Late And A Dollar Short Was The Worst Lifetime Movie I’ve Ever Watched

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Lifetime movie A Day Late and a Dollar Short Whoopi Goldberg 2014

Guys, I finally discovered the worst Lifetime movie to ever play out in front of my eyeballs, and it's called A Day Late and a Dollar Short. I'll be honest and say that I went in not really looking forward to it, mostly because based on the promos it looked extremely depressing. I thought it would be about a bunch of characters who have to overcome huge obstacles in their lives and who possibly don't have a lot of money. The money part was partly because of the title (and yes, I know that saying isn't literal). Turns out it was just about a bunch of people doing pretty well financially who just make a lot of terrible decisions.

Of course, plenty of movies are like that. But they're not as bad as this one. It was based on a novel by Terry McMillan that I haven't read, so I can't compare them. But I can say that I'd rather watch The Trials of Cate McCall five more times than sit through this movie again. The thing that made this one so bad is that you could tell it really thought it was amazing. Usually Lifetime movies have a certain air of “Yeah, we know this is crap” to them, and that makes them entertaining. But this one took itself way too seriously, which made its crappiness that much crappier. (Say crap again. Crap.) You might think I'm crazy and that there are plenty of Lifetime movies worse than this, but I'm going with my gut and saying this is the worst in my experience. Here are my reasons.

1. Whoopi Goldberg is in it.

I can't take Whoopi Goldberg seriously anymore. Every character she plays is Whoopi Goldberg playing a character. Yes, she's won an Oscar and yes she might objectively be a fine actress, but I can't believe her as anyone but herself. All I see is the lady who co-hosts The View and never knows what the hell is going on in the world despite that being her job.

2. The script is terrible.

The supposedly dramatic parts are melodramatic, the supposedly funny parts are eye-roll-worthy. Every line tries to be so meaningful and inspiring, and that's simply not how people talk. This is a movie where people say things like “We can still find us if we look for us.”

3. The acting is bad.

The script doesn't help much, but the way everything plays out feels so unnatural and rehearsed. First of all, the actors deliver the lines a mile a minute and one after the other, probably because the movie tries to cram too much dialogue into a TV movie runtime. It feels like a high school play, where you can almost see the actors thinking “This is where I say my line, this is where I turn, this is where I smile, this is where I walk across the room, this is where I look sad.”

4. There are good actors in it.

I already said it stars Whoopi Goldberg, but it also stars Ving Rhames, Anika Noni Rose, and Mekhi Phifer. Putting established, talented actors in something so melodramatic makes it even worse, because there's just so much failed potential wafting from the screen.

5. Whoopi Golderg narrates the entire movie.

I generally hate narration. There are very few movies and TV shows that can pull it off. If you can't find a way to show me rather than tell me, we have a problem. It doesn't help that Whoopi sounds like she half-assed it between commercial breaks on The View set.

6. There's annoying jazz music playing the whole time.

Jazz music does not make things more emotional. It just makes me more likely to put my fingers in my ears.

7. Whoopi wears the most hideous hat I've ever seen.

That's self-explanatory. It's in that picture up there if you're curious.

8. Everything that can go wrong does.

The plot of this movie is ridiculous. Whoopi Goldberg is the matriarch of a dysfunctional family of four children. Her husband leaves her and her doctor says another asthma attack could kill her. We spend the rest of the movie watching all this happen:

  1. Whoopi's husband gets together with a younger woman who gets pregnant, but it's not his baby.
  2. Whoopi's granddaughter is being molested by her stepfather and literally pulling her hair out because of stress.
  3. Whoopi's daughter is popping pills.
  4. Whoopi's grandson gets a girl pregnant.
  5. Whoopi's son is a drunk who's in and out of jail and behind on child support… but he's got the IQ of a genius!
  6. His son is being abused by his stepdad.
  7. Whoopi's son-in-law has a secret lovechild with a woman he slept with ten years ago.

How is it possible for so many bad things to happen in one family, and for all of them to come to a head in such a short span of time? And I mean a really short span of time, which brings me to my next point:

9. Whoopi's character dies immediately after her dream birthday party.

A dream birthday party during which:

  1. Her daughter is high on pills.
  2. Her granddaughter gets drunk and confesses what happened with her stepdad.
  3. Her grandson reveals he got a girl pregnant.
  4. Her husband confronts his girlfriend about the baby not being his.
  5. Her son discovers that his son is being abused and beats up the stepdad.
  6. He then gets arrested for beating up said stepdad during the party.
  7. Her family members just generally yell at each other a lot.

I mean… seriously?

10. Her funeral is depicted through black and white still photos.

Unless you're a historical drama or a documentary, there is no reason to construct a scene entirely out of black and white photos. Just please don't do it.

11. The last ten minutes of the movie is the family reading letters Whoopi left them.

First of all, they don't even find the letters in her room until days after she dies, and then we just watch them sit around in a circle reading them aloud. It was like the movie realized “Oh shit we have to wrap this up and make sure everyone lives happily ever after, what do we do?”

12. Whoopi ends the movie in the worst green screen scene ever created.

This was the most entertaining part of the movie just because it was so bad I couldn't believe it was real. We see the whole family sitting down for a pleasant dinner, and as the camera tracks away we see Whoopi watching over them. She turns around and walks down a long tunnel into a light (note to filmmakers everywhere, don't use this image unless you want it to be a joke). She ends up in Paris, the place she's always wanted to visit. Except they didn't actually take Whoopi Goldberg to Paris, so you can imagine how bad it looked.

Please stop trying to make good movies, Lifetime. It's really cute, but stop.

(Image: Lifetime)