Life Lessons From Kim Kardashian: Get Rid Of Your Husband Before The New Season
This season of Kourtney And Kim Take New York has been a diagram of the downfall of Kim Kardashian‘s 72 day long marriage. After a lavish wedding that cost a reported $10 million, the couple spent about the length of a reality show season together. And they let cameras film most of their time together. The result is a weirdly crumbling catastrophe that the world has watched (or revolted against). And last night, we got to see their final moments together on camera.
And watching Kim Kardashian orchestrate the dissolution of her marriage without cluing in her husband Kris Humphries was truly impressive to watch. Needless to say, Kris will NOT be returning for the next season.
From previous episodes, we are all aware that the Kris & Kim nuptials are not going well. Well, most of us are. Kris Humphries has not been privy to the on camera interviews that his wife has been having, explaining that she's not really feeling this whole marriage thing anymore.
But at the beginning of this episode, Kim is committed to trying to make it work. What's her big plan? Bringing Kris to a pilates class with her. Unfortunately, spending more than five minutes in his company is more than she can handle.
Kim cuts their class short and announces with foreboding:
“I'll be back without him.”
The most striking thing about this show is exactly how little this pair knows each other. They decide to go to dinner to rekindle whatever it is they had way back 40 days ago. Except they have nothing to talk about.
Their trip is coming to New York, and Kris starts talking about where he will put his stuff when he moves in with Kim in LA. That sounds like something standard that a new husband might wonder about. Silly Kris! Kim doesn't want to be married to you anymore. And she certainly doesn't want your stuff around after the awkward conversation where she tells you that.
Which Kim explains in a totally straightforward way:
“I don't feel comfortable with him moving all of his stuff to my house in LA.”
At this point, Kim attempts to work some sort of mind meld over Kris to get her way.
“I thought we agreed that you were going to send most of your stuff to Minnesota.”
After Kim insists on this, he reasonably informs her:
“You're not ready for someone in your life.”
Which is true. Kim's completely incapable of comprehending her own emotions. Or, if you're feeling charitable, maybe she just doesn't want to share these emotions on camera. Either way, rather than talking to her husband about the doubts she's been having, she holes up in a dressing room (that appears to be as big as the rest of their entire suite?>) to call her sister Khloe to complain about him.
“I was going crazy, just a one on one dinner, just the two of us.”
Can you imagine? Having to go to dinner with your husband? Alone? Horrible.
“I have nothing to talk to him about… he's everything on paper that I want in someone.”
This seems like something you might figure out before getting married. But that sounds like sense. And sense has no place on this show. As you learn when you realize — like I did — that Scott Disick (he of the waspy stare and the blackout drunk spells) has become the voice of reason. He questions Kim:
“You do realize you're married, right?”
Kim does not appreciate this line of questioning. So Scott tries to come up with a resolution:
“You could say: I need a break. Don't leave it up in the air any longer. Deal with it.”
Meanwhile, Kim is busy rationalizing the events of the last month:
“No matter what happens with Kris and I, we shared something really special.” (READ: A really lavish wedding and a whole season of a reality show.)
Then she says something that makes some sense:
“I need to go back to LA and have this conversation without the cameras.”
Chances are, informing your newlywed husband that you want to end your marriage is probably something you don't want to do on camera. In Kim's case, maybe you don't even want to do it face to face. When she finally did file for divorce, Humphries was apparently unaware until it hit the news. Fun!
Somehow, Kim obfuscates about the gorilla in the room until it's time to go to the airport. Except when they play a game of high/low where they document the best and worst of their trip to New York. And Kim being Kim, she doesn't even bother mentioning her new husband:
“I love seeing Mason every day. And waking up with him… The pit…at the same token living with all of you.”
And just like that, Kim Kardashian wrote Kris Humphries out of her life.
And wouldn't you know it, but Kim has an unexpected ally in The Hunger Games‘ Jennifer Lawrence, who compared Kim's divorce to the reality-TV deathmatch that her movie is about.