Lessons I Learned (And Reasons I Want to Punch My Own Face) After Watching #RichKids of Beverly Hills

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Rich Kids of Beverly Hills Cast

Last night, E! premiered #RichKids of Beverly Hills, a series so spiritually hollow and intellectually impoverished, it’ll make you want to read and do math for 3 days straight just to re-build any neural pathways you might have lost watching it. The showinspired by the Rich Kids of Instagram Tumblr and adorned with a hashtag in its title to prove just how annoying hashtag use has the potential to befollows the lives of the young idle rich who travel by private jet and have no idea what a W-2 form is. Does this sound like a cobbled-together conglomerate of the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, and every 80s movie cliché of a brat with a popped-collar? Well, it is.

Indeed, the show carries on a long tradition of documenting rich people’s abuse of wealth and chihuahuas, and it doesn't offer any new revelations about that lifestyle. We know how it works; at this point, we’ve been watching tacky one-percenters vacantly buy shit since OG terrible person Paris Hilton was foisted upon us. Our brains have become landfills for so much terrible trash, the EPA should really step in to start a hazardous waste investigation. But of all the toxic shows I have surrendered hours of my life to while ignoring my problems and loved ones, I think this one might just win the cake. I seriously, seriously hated itand I say this as someone who secretly enjoys The Real Housewives. But even if I was disgusted by it and begged for Y2K to belatedly strike and destroy E's broadcasting capabilities, I did learn a few things. So here’s what this show has taught me about #livinglarge #richpeopleproblems (#justkillmenow):

1. Being rich means having no capacity to logically calculate how much alcohol should cost

Rich people must think alcohol is made of liquid gold because during one champagne-fueled party scene, “fun-employed” cast member Dorothy Wang receives a tab for $30,937, and unlike the reaction I would have, does not immediately poop herself. Instead, without so much as a cock of the head or a consultation of reason, Dorothy whips out her black card and drops more on beverages than what I paid for my car. I’m no mathematician (and I umm, use an app to calculate tips), but I know with certainty that 5 figures is a preposterous sum of money to be spent at a club unless you are BUYING said club. Please learn real life, Dorothy.

2. Being rich raises your voice 4 octaves above standard human pitch

The average human voice does not make me want to destroy my eardrums, but this show is not your average experience with the human vocal range; it’s more like having an agitated Pomeranian yip directly into your cochlea for 60 minutes straight. Dorothy Wang, who occupies the most screen time, has such a shrill, infuriating voice, she makes Fran Drescher sound like those Pure Moods CDs my mom used to play in the bathtub. It’s honestly the worst sound I’ve ever heard in my life. I would rather be on a plane to Australia with nothing but crying babies and Kardashians (who effectively sound like babies, so ALL THE BABIES) than listen to 5 minutes of this girl prattle on her Birkin collection. If you really want to watch this show, proceed cautiously, and with closed captioning.

3. Being rich means you can insult people’s backgrounds to their faces, and they still have to serve you

Politically correct censoring has been in practice for the last few decades, because around 1980, everyone realized that it’s pretty embarrassing to sound like a bigot. Sadly, it looks like the “don’t say racist shit” memo only got circulated to people making under $200K a year, because the cast of this show loves to open their mouths and dribble out seriously dubious statements for the year 2014. In one instance during a workout, Morgan Stewart (the jobless daughter of a wealthy architect) grumbles that gravity is tugging at her breasts, making her “look like [she’s] from Kenya.” Who does she say this to? Her personal trainer, who’s African American. Siiiiigh. The trainer is visibly peeved, but still has to forge on and continue sculpting her asshole client’s ass. I would fully support her pulling a Mean Girls and giving Morgan Kalteen bars.

5. In this shitty economy, watching rich people spend obscene amounts of money on useless things makes you totally understand why the French Revolution happened

18th century European war references might seem out of left field, but let me explain: You’ve seen Versailles. You know Louis XIV never met a toilet seat he didn’t want to adorn in gold. The people on this show are of the same ilk; their entire reason for being is to recklessly spend…while we, the people, live off cake microwave burritos. Point is, it’s incredibly hard to watch and not want to smash everything in a 5-mile radius. And if watching 25-year-olds sit on their asses all day while mommy and daddy pay the Rolls payment isn’t nauseating enough, you’ll definitely reach for the Tums when you realize just how willfully ignorant these kids are. You’d think access to the privileges of the highest echelon would promote an educated worldview, but they constantly showcase their detachment from reality with comments like, “OMG, opening wine is the hardest thing in the entire world.” They're so annoying self-centered, they make Justin Bieber look like a Peace Corps volunteer in Africa who nurses starving children in his arms.

Ultimately, I feel confident saying any inkling you have to watch this show will be overcome within 30 actual seconds of watching it. I also have no stake in the following companies, but I recommend that you purchase their brain-training products and have them on hand to fend off the stupidity that will threaten to overtake you: Rubik’s cube, Sudoku, Luminosity…you know what? Scratch that. Just throw away your TV, sell everything you own, and go live a life of introspection on a mountain instead. At this rate, the world needs it.

(Photo: eonline.com)