J.J. Abrams To Make Lance Armstrong Doping Movie, Dashing Our Hopes Of A Lifetime Production

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Lance Armstrong Movie

Well, that was fast. Only a few days after Lance Armstrong admitted to God Oprah Winfrey that he took performance-enhancing drugs as a cyclist in the Tour de France, the rights to a movie version of the controversy have been swooped up by Star Trek director J.J. Abrams.

If you listen closely, you can hear a room full of Lifetime network execs crying. We're crying with them, because this story has Lifetime movie written all over it, and there were so many ways to go with it.

Abrams and Paramount will base the film on a forthcoming book about the situation called Cycle of Lies: The Fall of Lance Armstrong, by New York Times sportswriter Juliet Macur. That's a real shame, because Cycle of Lies is a genius Lifetime movie title.

Because Abrams is known for sci-fi and mystery, as in shows like Lost and movies like Star Trek, I'm hoping he puts some kind of supernatural spin on the story. Maybe aliens forced Armstrong to take drugs or something. I'll leave the details up to the professionals.

There was already a Lance Armstrong movie project in development, based on his memoirs, which fell apart. The film was reportedly going to star Armstrong's pal Jake Gyllenhaal and portray Armstrong in a more positive, inspiring light. Oops.

If you're hoping for Armstrong's other friend Matthew McConaughey to play him, that might not happen either, based on the actor's recent comments about the scandal. While McConaughey tried to be “delicate” about the issue, he admitted that he felt “pissed off,” “mad,” and “sad” about the situation, and he “took it personally.” I think Matthew McConaughey needs to focus on eating sandwiches for the time being, so I hope he takes himself out of the running for the role.

But if the world is indeed a just place, there will be a Lance Armstrong Lifetime movie one day, and it will be corny brilliant. Don't lose hope.

(Photo: Juan Soliz, PacificCoastNews.com)