In Defense Of Kim Kardashian — A Short Essay With GIFs

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Kim Kardashian Vagina(via)

I hope you guys have girded your loins for a controversial opinion, because I'm about to fire one right over your starboard bow. Seriously, brace yourself, because I'm about to speak in defense of Kim Kardashian. Yeah that's right — that Kim Kardashian. This is gonna be a short essay about why she's not that bad. But there are gonna be GIFs in it also, so get over yourself and take a look, fun-lovers.

Kim Kardashian Soul (via)

Kim Kardashian is really effing good at being Kim Kardashian. Just herself, no one else. If she has something dumb to say on Twitter or Instagram or Tumblr or whatever else the kids are using these days, she just said it. It can't hurt her reputation at all, because she's famous for being exactly herself.

Kim Kardashian Sex(via)

This is a woman who gets paid to be on a television show. Not to act on one, not to host one, but to be on one. She is the show. People tune in to watch her bother her sisters, bail on plans, complain, and…listen to people have sex through walls. What is your job again?

Kim Kardashian Expert(via)

I bet you're good at it, even if you don't like it, so I'll also assume you're the kind of person who can recognize when someone is good at their job. Kim Kardashian is good at her job. Her job is to get people to tune into her various television shows, ergo she is incredibly good at it. If that was my job, I would be very bad at it, because I hardly ever steal my sister's breast milk to put on my skin condition. Mostly because I'm usually too busy napping.

Kim Kardashian Married(via)

At my job, this is considered a meltdown. At Kim's job, this is considered a ratings bump. Kim wins.

Kim Kardashian Mermaids(via)

You know how many people care about Kim Kardashian's thoughts on mermaids? Over eighteen million. That's how many Twitter followers she has. Do you know how many care about mine? Over two hundred. I think society probably considers the job title of ‘blogger' vaguely more impressive than ‘strictly unemployed' (maybe), but in this case they would be wrong, because only one of us is a millionaire and it's shockingly not me.

Kim Kardashian No Idea(via)

…because she's doing nothing. Which doesn't make her stupid, it makes her savvy. She has made a life for herself without having to attend college, learn a marketable skill, or create any kind of product, either artistic or otherwise. She's an attractive, voluptuous girl who knows how to do her hair and makeup, and she leaked a sex tape at an opportune time, and now an entire nation is in a love/hate relationship with her. THAT IS GENIUS.

Kim Kardashian Bentley(via)

She made us care about her Bentley, guys. That's on us, not on her.

Kim Kardashian Big Ass(via)

Only one of these things is true, but you know what? It doesn't matter how she's doing it, because she's absolutely doing it.

Kim Kardashian Instagram(via)

I mean, yeah. This is a valuable lesson that we could all learn about our own lives from Kim Kardashian. Why bother doing anything you don't want to do or don't have fun doing? If you push hard enough, you and your mom Kris Jenner can get you the kind of hook-up where you can eat for free at a restaurant just by Instagramming a picture from it. This girl is a walking advertisement for whatever she wants to be, and all the profits go straight back to her.

Kim Kardashian Riding Camel(via)

The moment that Kim wants to lose weight, whether baby or otherwise, all she has to do is vaguely project an interest out into the world, and she could immediately land a sponsorship with a company that wants to pay her to do so.

Kim Kardashian Eating(via)

Meanwhile, over in normal town, the rest of us poor schlubs have to pay for a membership to a gym out of pocket, get ourselves off the couch without the benefit of a personal trainer, and watch what we eat without a personal chef.

Kim Kardashian Ridiculous



Kim Kardashian spray Tan(via)

Anytime Kim wants to do anything, she can. All she has to do is let a camera follow her and suddenly money is no object. She can travel, get married, tell a stupid joke — EVERYTHING IS PAID FOR GUYS. She's beating the system.

Kim Kardashian Smell MyButt(via)

We are, Kim. Every moment of every day. And it smells like money. Yours, not ours. Obvi.

Kim Kardashian Taking Photos Of Herself(via)

As long as she stays out of trouble and keeps doing marginally interesting things every year or so for as long as it's fun for her to do it, this girl is set for life. Literally for life.

Kim Kardashian Kanye Says(via)

I mean, think about the Kanye West story. Think about how bankable she made that. First they were rumored together and denying it, to drum up interest. Then they were admittedly together and rumored to be a fake relationship. Then they were pregnant, and now they're parents. But they still have a bunch of stories in the chamber — Kanye proposes! Kanye breaks off engagement! Kim walks down aisle for second time! E! pays for it! Kanye divorces Kim! Kim devastated as custody battle rages! She can milk this for another five years no problem, and that's just one aspect of her life.

Kim Kardashian Keep This(via)

Speaking of people who are set for life. (See: North West.) She's reportedly already worth over $2 million and will receive a starting salary of $2,000 per episode when she starts being featured on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. When was the last time you figured out a way for your baby to pay its own college tuition just by selling its baby photos to a tabloid?

Kim Kardashian Cavity(via)

This girl can literally say quotes that should be from Mean Girls, and she gets paid more to do it than I make in a year.

Kimd Kardashian Try Hard(via)

No you don't, Kim. That's the beauty of the whole thing. You're winning without even having to try. And I, for one, am willing to give you props for it. No matter how much it pains me.