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We May Never Know Who Put This Baby In Kim Kardashian’s Belly…Unless We’re Not Idiots

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Kim Kardashian rings in the New Year at 1 Oak Nightclub at The Mirage Resort and Casino Las Vegas, NVUgh, TMZ. My love/hate relationship with you has tilted so much more toward the hate side recently! You've got these tricksy little headlines that lure me into clicking them, and then the post itself has absolutely nothing to do with them and oh wait I do that too. But you do it more, so you should be ashamed of yourself!

I'm speaking of course of the recent TMZ headline “Kris Humphries Presumption Is…He's The Daddy!!!” And yes, there were three exclamation points. Now naturally, I came running to the peephole of my little hobbit door and peered excitedly out. What's going on out there in Hollywood? Kris Humphries thinks he's the father of Kim Kardashian‘s baby with Kanye? This reads like a K-themed MadLib wet dream, and I couldn't be happier. Because how could Kris seriously think he's the father? He hasn't been around Kim for over a year, unless we're about to get word of some serious dalliances. Oh thank you TMZ for spicing up my Wednesday.

…and yet. It's a post about the fact that by California state law, IF Kris Humphries wanted to make a claim for the baby, then THEORETICALLY he'd have a leg up on the competition because he and Kim are still married, and Kanye and Kim aren't, and California presumes that the husband is the father unless other evidence is supplied. Okay so seriously? Kris isn't even making a play for this baby, we're just speculating on what MIGHT happen if he did? Based on a law? You gave me three exclamation points so you could explain a California state law??

Okay, sure. Sure, we'll accept that this is journalism and that you're reporting fact instead of whimsical theoreticals. So great, here we go: Herrrmmm hawwwww what a crazy world! Kris Humphries is gonna claim this baby is his! How will we ever be able to prove that it isn't? OH WAIT KANYE IS STILL BLACK, RIGHT? AND KRIS IS WHITE? GREAT, THANKS. I'm sure you address that in your post, right TMZ?

Fact is … it wouldn't be hard to prove, since Kris hasn't gone near Kim for a long, long time … and it appears the baby was conceived while Kim and Kanye were in Rome 3 months ago.

Nonetheless, there is a rebuttable presumption in Kris' favor, and Kim of all people should know a thing or two about re-butts.

 

Oh okay yes, that's much smarter. So in this theoretical triple-exclamation point world you've created, where we'll need incontrovertible evidence of the baby's parentage in case Kris Humphries tries to claim it as his own and teach it to play basketball, we'll just pull the kid out in six months and check whether or not it was conceived in Rome. The toga should be a dead giveaway.
(Image: DJDM / WENN.com)