50 Posts I Couldn’t Write About Kim Kardashian On Her Birthday

By  | 

Kim Kardashian I'm so excited GIF(via)

Happy birthday to Kim Kardashian, who has officially been taunting the globe with her inexplicable fame for thirty-three years. Not that most people need to take responsibility for the way they behave as a baby, but this is a Kardashian we're talking about. Kris Jenner gets them started on shameless self-promotion as soon as she has them weaned off of the coconut water that leaks from her nips whenever she hears an infant cry. (I can't tell you how many blouses she's ruined since North West came into the world.)

I'm betting you're already picking up what you think is a slightly snarky tone, and you know what? You're right — I am being a little rude, especially considering it's her birthday. But it's because I'm irritated! I honestly wanted to write a positive, complimentary post today about Kim Kardashian, but when I sat down with Jenni to think of an angle, we couldn't come up with a single one. Everything I pitched was instantly undermined as soon as I spent more than thirty seconds on her Instagram, or her Twitter, or even my own website. We actually write about her kind of a lot.

So in case you haven't put it together yet, Kim kind of ruined her birthday for me. It was a rude thing to do, and she did it by not being three-dimensional enough for me to write something unique about her today, that could stand out in the crowd. But I, ever the sore loser, have decided not to let that deter me. Instead of continuing to rack my brain for a new idea only to have it dashed to pieces, I decided to just tell you all the posts I couldn't write about Kim on her birthday. A behind-the-scenes look, if you will. You're welcome.

  1. What If I Kind Of Love Kim Kardashian?
    Let's not get crazy.
  2. What If I Don't Hate Kim Kardashian?
  3. What If I Find Kim Kardashian Kind Of Tolerable?
  4. True Life: One Time I Heard A Story About Kim Kardashian And Didn't Roll My Eyes
  5. Here Is An Article About Kim Kardashian
    Alexis. Come on.
  6. I Bet You Can't Guess What This Article Says About Kim Kardashian!
  7. I Promise Never To Write An Article About Kim Kardashian Ever Again
    But…this is your job.
  8. I Promise Not To Write Another Article About Kim Kardashian For The Rest Of The Day
    But…what if she flaunts her post-baby bod again?
  9. I Promise I've Never Written An Article About Kim Kardashian
    But…you're doing it right now.
  10. 10 Things That Rhyme With Kardashian
  11. 9 Things That Rhyme With Kardashian
  12. 1 Thing That Rhymes With Kardashian?
  13. I'm Smashing In Kim Kardashian
    No. Implies violence. Or that I'm wearing her skin as a coat. Also get over the rhyme thing.
  14. Here's Why Kim Would Make The Best Skin Coat Out Of All Her Sisters
    You might actually be a serial killer.
  15. Here's Why Kim Is The Healthiest Out Of All Her Sisters
  16. Here's Why Kim Has The Softest Skin Out Of All Her Sisters
  17. Have You Ever Noticed That Kim Kardashian Has A Glorious Pelt?
  18. Winter Is Coming, You Should Get Yourself A Kim Coat
  19. 15 Ways To Tell That Kim Kardashian Is Not A Dalmatian And I Am Not Cruella DeVille
  20. A List Of Things In Kim Kardashian's House That I Could Afford To Buy
  21. A List Of Items That North West Wears That I Could Afford To Lease
  22. Just A Few Things That North West Has Drooled On That I Could Also Afford To Touch
  23. 22 Lies That North West Told Me About Us Being Equals
  24. At Least I Could Beat North West In A Fight
  25. At Least Being A Mom Has Made Kim Kardashian More Self-Aware
  26. It's Nice To See That Kim Isn't Stressing About Losing The Pregnancy Weight
  27. What A Relief That Kim Doesn't Regret Every Single Thing About Being Pregnant
    Wait but she does. She made that very clear.
  28. At Least Kids Never Figure Out How To Use Google
  29. Here's Why Kim's Sex Tape Is The Least Of Her Worries
  30. Here's Why Kim's Sex Tape Won't Be That Big Of A Deal For North
  31. If Kris Jenner Can Handle Kim's Sex Tape, Then So Can North West!
    My god. I'm an animal.
  32. In Defense of Kim And Kanye Having Two Nannies For One Child
  33. Here's Why It's Good That Kimye Doesn't Touch Their Own Baby
  34. The Nicest Things Kim Has Ever Done For People Not Herself
    Can't even think of two and definitely need more.
  35. 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn't Have
  36. 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn't Have On Air
  37. 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn't Have On Air Over Nothing
  38. 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn't Have On Air Over Nothing In Full Makeup
    This is impossible.
  39. Let's Just Admit That Kim Kardashian Gave Marriage Her Best Shot
  40. Let's Just Admit That Kim Kardashian Gave Divorce Her Best Shot
  41. 8 Occasions On Which Kim Missed The Opportunity To Take A Selfie
  42. 8 Occasions On Which Kim And Kanye Avoided The Spotlight
  43. Here's Why Kim And Kanye Should Be Your New Favorite Couple
  44. I Mean, Maybe Kim And Kanye Aren't The Worst Couple Ever?
  45. Please Don't Buy A Time Machine To Go Back And Erase The Moment That Kimye First Met
  46. If You Have A Time Machine, Please Use It To Kill Voldemort Instead
  47. Because At Least Kim And Kanye Have Never Sexted Over the Internet
  48. Actually Voldemort Is Fictional, And Kimye Has Sexted Over The Internet, So Please Use It To Make Sure They Never Meet
  49. I'm Very Sorry, You Were Obviously Right The First Time
    Not even a legible article title. What would this possibly be about? Doesn't even reference Kim Kardashian.
  50. I Give Up On Kim Kardashian
    Green light it!

And there you have it. Not an ounce of truth to any single one of those. How do I dare to call myself a journalist?