Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Got Married In A Fort, How Quaint

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian attending the Met Ball May 2014

Following a lavish, over-the-top, no expense or homage to French royal history spared wedding rehearsal at the Palace of Versailles, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were married today in…a fort.  No, really.  Kimye tied the knot in Fort di Belvedere in Florence, Italy today.  While I'm willing to bet there was nothing shabby about the level of chic happening at the Kimye wedding, I'm a little surprised they went the “quaint” route.  It's so…well, not them.

People is reporting that Andrea Bocelli sang as Bruce Jenner walked Kim down the aisle, though, so there goes that whole “small scale” feel I thought they might be going for.  Apparently the groom was super nervous before the ceremony, which just goes to show you that while Kanye can call a President of the United States a racist, he cannot escape wedding day jitters!

“It was funny how nervous he was,” an onlooker tells PEOPLE. “He clearly knew the gravity of what he was about to do. This morning he was all smiles, but as it got closer, you could see that the nerves were kicking in. It's common for most grooms. I've seen it all before.”

Pish posh, this onlooker has seen it all before!  You know why?  Because weddings are effing terrifying.  I've performed onstage in lingerie (I was in a play, gutter-dwellers) but “performing” at my own wedding turned me into a trembling sack of sweat and nerves and nausea.  Kanye might be a self-awareness-lacking douche, but he was a groom getting married today in front of hundreds (and hundreds and hundreds) of people.  It's a big deal.  Such a big deal, in fact, that TLC is devoting 24/7, non-stop Memorial Day weekend replay coverage to it, like they did for the royal wedding back in 2011.  No, I'm joking.  But I'm sure E! will have a gaggle of specials featuring Giuliana Rancic and Ryan Seacrest's eyes bulging from their heads while they exclaim over the “fierceness” of everyone's outfits.

If you're looking for pictures on Instagram, don't waste your time.  No one has posted any yet, as I assume the guests are afraid Kris Jenner will have them all hung, drawn, and quartered if they do it one second before a member of her own family does.
(Photo: WENN)