Turns Out Katy Perry Wears Underwear In Public, Making Her A Total Prude Who Deserves To Be Divorced

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Bad news for everyone out there who hoped to catch a glimpse of Katy Perry's vagina today. While some paparazzo managed to snap some up-dress photos of her standing on a balcony, her private parts are fully clothed. Bummer, right. Just when I thought she understood what it meant to be part of the Hollywood scene, she steps out wearing genital coverings. It's like she hasn't even browsed Britney Spears' Wikipedia page or looked into Paris Hilton's skype icon.

I won't even include the photo in this post, it horrifies me so much. (Click here if you're into atrocities.) Please be placated by this much more pleasant photo of her where we can at least pretend she's going commando.

Does she think people get famous from talent? If so, that's very '90s of her. What's next? Pogs with her face on them. Ugh, clueless celebrities.

Everyone knows real Hollywood starlets don't wear underwear. If you asked them about Victoria's Secret, they'd assume you were talking about their cocaine dealer Victoria — and her secret stash hidden away in Malibu. That's just fact. Undeniable, completely reliable fact. Don't believe me? Call celebrity expert Ryan Seacrest. He can confirm. Before he sexed up the devil in a deal to be a TV star, he learned the ins and outs of the industry.

Not only does underwear-gate 2012 confirm that Katy's a total prude who totally used a stunt double to squirt whipped cream out of her boobs, but it also explains why Russell Brand divorced her. What kind of man would want to live with a woman who wears underwear? In public? As if she's a commoner bound by society's rules of modesty. Go back to the 1800s Katy, they miss you and your long johns!

If she wants to get to the next level of fame, if she wants to be pulling Madonna-level publicity stunts when she's 50, she better quit wearing panties around where people can see them. And that's not a threat. It's a declaration of American's dependence on seeing illicit vag.

(Photo: WENN.com)