I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Katy Perry for Being Caught Up in John Mayer’s Wonderland

By  | 

I don’t feel sorry for you, Katy Perry, for lovin’ on some John Mayer again, after you guys broke up in the past.

Look, Katy. This is coming from the girl that made her college roommate play John Mayer’s “Your Body is A Wonderland” on repeat on Napster until she fell asleep for an intolerable six weeks. I get the appeal. I get that John Mayer has a soft, soft voice, soft in the way that if you pet hedgehog one way it would be soft, but if you pet it the other way it’s all raspy and sharp, and that somehow, inexplicably, you like both sides. I get that this confusing soft/rough voice can lull you into a trance-like state where you think that John Mayer is a good guy to go out with.

But I still don’t feel bad for you, Katy, that you are back with John. Because you've learned this lesson before. I mean, what else do you need to give you a definitive answer that dating John isn’t a good idea? Can we merely look at him for a second? Boyfriend has those brooding eyes that can never be answered and those lips that make you want to perch upon them and eat a sandwich. And yes. They are delicious-looking. But you know who else is thinking that? All the other girls he’s planning on sleeping with instead of you.

You clearly aren’t learning your lesson. Fine. Let’s take a look at John’s most memorable lyrics and see if we can find some lessons in there, shall we?

We got the afternoon/You got this room for two/One thing I've left to do/Discover me/Discovering you

In other words, fine, we’ll hang out today but only because I don’t have any other better plans and you really want it. Clearly you want it. You rented a hotel room. So, because of that, oh needy one, I’ll have sex with you.

 One mile to every inch of/Your skin like porcelain/One pair of candy lips and/Your bubblegum tongue.

Hey I really dug it that one time you dressed like a human version of the game Candyland. Wanna do that again?

‘Cause if you want love/We'll make it/Swim in a deep sea/Of blankets/Take all your big plans/And break 'em/This is bound to be a while.

Okay, I get it. You want my body. Fine. I’ll let you have it, that is if you can find it in this big pile of blankets, because – SURPRISE! I made a blanket fort!! But I’m warning you. I watch a lot of porn. This is bound to take a while.

Your body is a wonderland/your body is a wonder (I’ll use my hands)/your body is a wonderland.

I don’t know how to make it more clear that this relationship is only physical.

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face/I love the shape you take when/crawling towards the pillowcase/You tell me where to go and/Though I might leave to find it/I'll never let your head hit the bed/Without my hand behind it.

You want more sweet lyrics? Oh, yeah. Okay. Fine. Um… I dunno… something about the way your hair falls in your face. That's enough, right? You can fill in the rest? Oh and I really do like seeing you naked, not sure if I mentioned that one yet. Oooh, ooh, I got one! You're going to love this. I don't want you to lay your head down on the pillow without my hand being behind it. Was that good? Cool! Yeah, I knew that shit would work.

 You want love?/We'll make it/Swimming a deep sea/Of blankets/Take all your big plans/And break 'em/This is bound to be a while.

Look, I’ll tell you whatever you want to hear when you’re between the sheets with me. I MADE ANOTHER BLANKET FORT!! But again, I can’t stress enough how uncomfortably long this is going to take due to the sheer volume of porn that I consume on a daily basis. Buckle up for a long ride, sister. Johnny boy is taking the back roads.

Your body is a wonderland/your body is a wonder (I’ll use my hands)/your body is a wonderland.

That seemed to work last time…

 Damn baby/You frustrate me/I know you're mine all mine all mine/But you look so good it hurts sometimes.

Here’s where I give you the false belief that you have any control in this relationship because that benefits me in the end. Spoiler alert, you don't!

See, Katy? You are merely another girl trapped by some sappy song lyrics that will never come true. And believing they will never come true is the only way I can get through my day. So they'll never come true, okay?

(Photo: PacificCoastNews.com)