If Kate Middleton Wears A Recycled Dress For Valentine’s Day, I’ll Officially Become An Atheist

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kate middleton dressIt's weird to think that I started my day in believing in God. And now I'm sitting here, with burning bibles at my feet, questioning how I ever thought a higher power lived in the Heavens up above. What kind of almighty being would create a world where the following sentence is allowed to exist in an article about what Kate Middleton will wear for Valentine's Day:

Will she do what she does best and recycle one of her fab frocks? Or will the mom-to-be reach for the maternity version of her famous navy silk engagement dress?

Will she recycle her frock? WILL SHE RECYCLE HER FROCK? I'm utterly aghast at the proposition that the world's most famous pregnant woman would recycle a frock for Valentine's Day. If I edited for this particular publication, I would cross that entire sentence out and just write MALARKEY. We're talking about the Duchess of Cambridge here. Of course she's going to wear a new dress and of course we're going to write articles speculating on what it will be. Because that's what's important.

Unless of course these journalists want us to assume that Kate Middleton (bear in mind, the Duchess of Cambridge) does laundry — and doesn't just discard her clothes each day in the trash bin. I know high school history classes feel like forever ago, but these are the kind of facts that you should remember: royalty never recycles. Not paper, not bottles and certainly not clothes.

So like every other lady with a modicum of self-respect, Kate Middleton will wear a new dress for Valentine's Day this year. One that's as tasteful as it is sexy as it is classic as it is trendy as it is bold as it is nip-slippable.

Now let's never talk about this again.

(Photo: Wenn.com)