Justin Bieber’s Mom Will Probably Name Her Pro-Life Movie Baby, Baby, Baby, Because Duh

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Good news everyone: That anti-abortion propaganda film by Justin Bieber‘s mom you've been waiting for will be in theaters next month!  Obviously timed up with the biggest baby-making month of the year, Cresendo, which is not a film about the increasing volume during a bar in a classical composition, comes out on February 28th.

I can only imagine that Cresendo is filled to the brim with factual information and scenarios based on reality.  Apparently Patty Mallette, Justin Bieber's momager and Kris -Jenner-in-Training, was practically an episode of Intervention away from making a huge mistake (allegedly) and considering abortion while pregnant with her cash cow of a son.  Who (allegedly) doesn't even have hair on his balls yet but (allegedly) likes to light up a Mary J. every now and then.  Aww…full circle!

Mallette hopes that she hopes her involvement with Crescendo will “encourage young women all over the world, just like me, to let them know that there is a place to go, people who will take care of you and a safe home to live in if you are pregnant and think you have nowhere else to turn.”

Her goal is to raise $10 million for those pregnancy centers that aren't really pregnancy centers but terrifying, guilt-inducing Christian clinics that bully young girls or indecisive girls into not making their own informed decisions.  Yay!  I wonder if Kirk Cameron will be Patty's date to the premiere?  He hasn't been pontificating in the news lately and the Duggars are on hiatus so I miss him.

I say good for you, Patty!  You cleaned your act up, took responsibility for not using any of the thousands of types of birth control out there, and you're making the most of your difficult situation.  Not everyone who follows your lead gets to profit exponentially off of their offspring's unfathomably successful music careers.  Bravo!