I Dare You To Get Through The Entire Trailer For Justin Bieber’s Believe Movie Without Gagging

By  | 

justin bieber believe trailer 11-16-13

For reasons beyond my comprehension, Justin Bieber is releasing his second major motion picture entirely based on his current tour.  That's right, a second documentary about Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber's tour, Justin Bieber's pants, Justin Bieber's whisper of a crustache, and a few Justin Bieber tiers, er, uh, tears, for added effect.

Besides further convincing me that I never want to watch this documentary in its entirety, this trailer's purpose is to showcase that pretty much everyone surrounding Justin Bieber isn't nearly as enthralled with Justin Bieber as Justin Bieber is. If you're looking to see some accountability for his endless string of poor decision-making, you're bound to be disappointed.  Though the Biebs tries so hard to look tough and convince us he's maturing, that it's almost sad.  I think for a split second I almost felt sorry for him, because he's pretty much drowning in the quicksand of delusion: “There are people out there who can't wait to see you fall.”  No, Biebs.  While your mistakes no doubt make my job easier, what we really want to see is you being able to rise above the looming disaster awaiting you and actually become a decent adult we can tolerate.  I promise.

Which poses this question: whose fault is it, exactly?  Obviously Justin Bieber is old enough to be accountable for his own actions, but he didn't hop on the one-way train to Obnoxiousville all by himself.  The trailer shows Usher lamenting the fact that this kid has to “grow up in front of the world,” and yes, that's true, but… didn't you help make it that way, Usher?  I seem to recall you being the initial driving force behind making a pop star out of a small Canadian child on YouTube.  Mama Bieber, Patty Mallette, makes an appearance at the end, scolding her son in jest about his oddly-silhouetted, saggy pants.  You know, that is exactly what's going to stop your child from being “the next trainwreck” (as the reporters in the trailer so awesomely put it): being a “cool mom.”  Being 19 certainly wouldn't have stopped my parents from giving me a much deserved, swift kick in the ass.

If you're interested in anything I've just said, please enjoy the trailer for Believe.  But I'd grab a barf bag, if I were you.  Just in case.