‘Justin Bieber Abandons His Monkey’ Is Not Something I Expected To Write Today

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Justin Bieber and pet monkey Mally 2013In the category of ‘Things I Wasn't Expecting To Talk About Today, Or Ever', I present to you: Justin Bieber‘s monkey. I feel like it was just yesterday I had no idea that Justin even had a monkey, and all of a sudden there he was, trying to sneak it through German customs, because trying to hide things from airline authorities is never a bad idea. Particularly not when it's a wild animal. So they confiscated young Mally the capuchin and held her safely until Justin could turn his plane around and come retrieve her. Which…I'm sure he was planning to do, until suddenly, after weeks of being like, “Coach, put me back in the game” with Selena Gomez, he finally got the chance to spend another night with his own sweet ex-ladylove, and he forgot all about his furry little carry-on bag.

Which is where we find ourselves today, two months later. After being seized and briefly quarantined, Mally is now being housed at an animal shelter while they ostensibly wait for Biebs to return. That doesn't seem like it's going to happen, though, given Justin's ongoing track record with pets, so now the Munich Shelter is requesting compensation for the cost of the animal's food and care since March, as much as several thousand dollars. As of right now, Justin has until midnight tonight to reclaim his monkey, or else it becomes the responsibility of German authorities. Yes, because that's the best way to make an impression on an irresponsible popstar — “Either you take care of this monkey or we're gonna take care of it for you so you don't have to worry about it anymore!” I'd like to be frustrated that Justin never had to deal with any consequences of his irresponsibility, but I think we can all agree that a zoo is a much better place for a monkey than the arms of a tiny millionaire. Sigh.

(Image: Twitter)