Josh Hutcherson’s First Kiss Was Terrible For Reasons Very Different Than My Own

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Josh Hutcherson attending the Weinstein Company Golden Globes party January 2013Celebrities! They're just like us! They go shopping for groceries, they hate first dates, and they totally bungle everything the first time their mouth is supposed to interact with another mouth. Yes, I'm referring to first kisses, and who better to demonstrate this theory than Josh Hutcherson, who says his first kiss ever was pretty effing awful. But strangely, not for the same reasons that mine was awful.

Mine was awful because I was a teenager and teenagers are the worst, and all my mouth knew how to do was eat food, the motions for which overlap in surprisingly few ways with the motions required for making kissy faces. Shocking, I know. But Josh's was awful because he's famous. So I guess celebrities are quite like us after all. Or not quite like me, anyway.

“My first kiss ever? It was on camera, so my first ever kiss in life, in movies, in ANYTHING, was on camera. It was in this movie I did called Little Manhattan. I was 11 years old and I was filming in New York City. My mom was up there with me and surprised me by flying my dad in because I had to do the kiss scene and had to have my dad there supporting me and stuff.”

HI SORRY QUICK PAUSE. Just need to point out that you are a baller, Josh Hutcherson. You were eleven in New York City? I was fourteen in a frigid tent in Napa Valley, California for a biking trip with my high school. All the weird stuff with your parents being there aside, you had your kiss three years earlier than me, and you got paid money for it by a film studio? And now you get to kiss Jennifer Lawrence? You are crushing it, dude.

“But it was horrible. It was a horrible first kiss because I had a crew of like 50 people standing around watching me and it was the most non-real, non-intimate that I could possibly have for my first kiss I think.”

I mean, yes, that does sound really overwhelming and terrible. But if it makes you feel better, at least those people were paid professionals. The two Vietnamese exchange students and one American exchange student present for my sloppy first encounter were far less understanding of the small night sounds created when I propellered my tongue over the face of my gentleman friend, so I don't want to hear it. I just thank god it's not on film. You do have me there, Josh.

(Image: FayesVision / WENN.com)