Bad Dad Off: Jon Gosselin Vs. Michael Lohan

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Jon Gosselin Michael Lohan

(Photo: Adriana M. Barraza / WENN.com, FayesVision/WENN.com)

Happy 37th birthday to Jon Gosselin. That's right, Jon Gosselin was born on April Fool's Day, which is really fitting since his entire existence is sort of an April Fool's joke on humanity. I also want you to take a moment to realize that Jon is not even into his 40s yet, and he's already accomplished so much as a terrible father. It really is inspiring.

There's really no better way to mark this momentous occasion than by pitting Jon against another famous bad dad by the name of Michael Lohan. It just feels right, doesn't it? So we'll go through various rounds with different categories and ultimately declare a winner for Worst Celebrity Dad. Bear in mind that they are both horrible dads in my opinion — and most other people's as well — so whoever “loses” should not be celebrated.

Round 1: Badmouthing Their Kids

Jon: “They have problems adjusting with their peers. They are well-mannered, and that is great, but when we go into an environment with other children, they cling to me. I’m trying to teach them respect and love for other people. That’s the big thing: humanity. They need to look inside other peoples’ hearts. By isolating them, they’ll never learn.”

Michael: “She's a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

And the winner is… Michael Lohan. I mean, they're both terrible, and there are other insulting quotes from both of them. They both seem to enjoy talking about their children's shortcomings to the media under the veil of concern. But in this case I'm gonna have to declare Michael the worse offender. It's short, sweet, and absolutely awful.

Round 2: Badmouthing Their Ex-Wives

Jon: “”It's narcissistic bullsh–t behavior, because she can go out and talk about the kids anytime she wants . . .She can go and f—ing die…There’s your honest depiction of Kate Gosselin. So f— it. Piece of f—ing s–t. What a sh—y human being.”

Michael: “Ever since Dina got pregnant with Lindsay she has not had a job. It’s about time she get a job or marry someone that is very rich to support her.”

And the winner is… Jon Gosselin. He's also called Kate an asshole for good measure. I've found it's always a really good idea to use curse words to insult the mother of your children. Oh wait, it's actually the opposite of that.

Round 3: Violent Outbursts

What Jon did: Fired a warning shot at a paparazzo.

What Michael did: Was charged for alleged domestic violence.

And the winner is… Michael Lohan. Not only does Dina Lohan claim he abused and raped her in the 80s, which Michael denies, but he's also been charged with domestic violence against his girlfriend Kate Major — who by the way ALSO DATED JON GOSSELIN. He pleaded no contest and was ordered to four months in rehab in 2011. There was also another alleged incident between the couple just last month.

Round 4: Bad Fashion

Michael Lohan Jon Gosselin

(Photo: Hailey-R/WENN.com, Judy Eddy / WENN.com)

And the winner is… Jon Gosselin. That's just unforgivable. Your shirt has all those buttons for a reason, sir.

Tie Breaker: Whose Kids Are More Messed Up?

So in order to break this tie and declare a winner, we have to ask whose kids are more messed up. It's a tricky question, because Jon Gosselin has more kids to traumatize, although only by two (GUYS MICHAEL LOHAN HAS SIX KIDS). But considering Lindsay Lohan is an adult and we've seen just how much fame and a troubled family life have negatively affected her, I think I have to give this to Michael. Jon's kids are still youngsters. Let's pray for them.

Well Jon Gosselin, you got a break on your birthday. Although it's not really a break, since you were still in a competition to decide who's a worse dad. Get it together, man.