Someone Should Tell Jon Gosselin That His Kids Aren’t Little Baby Serial Killers

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Jon Gosselin attending Virgin America launch party April 2012If anyone has Jon Gosselin‘s number, can you do me a favor and let him know that his children are human beings and not the emotionless sociopaths that he apparently thinks he birthed? Or maybe a better way to get in touch with him is by beeper — he seems like he'd still have a beeper, right?

But however we contact him, I think it's important that we do it soon, because he seems pretty out of touch with some fundamental things about his own flesh and blood. Most importantly, the fact that the internet is pretty prevalent at this point, and it's super likely that at some point, one or all of them are gonna get online and see what their dad really thinks of them. Namely: that their asshole mom is molding them into budding psychopaths. He told Life & Style:

“They live in such an isolated house. When they’re with me, I let them out into society. I don’t close the gate and make them live in a compound like Kate does. You can’t breathe the wrong way without upsetting her. The kids have to ask before they get a drink, before they get a snack, before they open the fridge, before they go to the bathroom. It’s ridiculous.”

Okay Jon — if you were trying to describe your children as caged animals being trained to attack their captors, then congratulations! Great success! But if you were trying to talk about the fruit of your loins in a loving, fatherly, empathetic way, then you have failed. Big time. But don't you think you can do an even better job at describing them as tiny serial killers? I bet you can!

“They have problems adjusting with their peers. They are well-mannered, and that is great, but when we go into an environment with other children, they cling to me. I’m trying to teach them respect and love for other people. That’s the big thing: humanity. They need to look inside other peoples’ hearts. By isolating them, they’ll never learn.”

Great job buddy, you nailed it! I wish my parents had left fun interviews like this one all over the internet for me to find when I came of age! Such lucky Gosselins!

(Photo: Michael Buckner / Getty Images Entertainment)