Here Are Some Joe Jonas Fans Who Would Greatly Enjoy If I Died

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Joe JonasSo yesterday I ill-advisedly published a post that didn't praise Joe Jonas as the living, breathing, walking-among-us deity that he so clearly is, and I've received some really great constructive criticism about it. See the thing is, there were all these rumors swirling around about Joe smoking a cigarette and being rude to a fan, but I'm an IDIOT because that obviously couldn't have happened. What was I thinking? Haven't I ever seen Joe Jonas before? He's a perfect human specimen, never a hair out-of-place or an alleged drug habit to tarnish his JoBros image. Whenever I hear a rumor like that I should remind myself, “Alexis, don't forget that you're a big dumb idiot. Where Joe Jonas is smart, you are stupid, which is indicated by the fact that you don't work at a newspaper or in a factory that makes cars.” Because it's true, gentle reader — I don't work at The New York Times. You haven't read my book, because I haven't written it yet. And you won't have seen me performing in The Jonas Brothersconcerts because I always stand in the back behind a large piece of musical equipment or an especially fleshy Jonas. And for those reasons, I am not qualified to report on things that are widely produced on the internet. I must always remember that.

Yesterday I forgot. Only for a moment, long enough to write a scathing, defamatory post, but it was long enough. But thankfully, Joe's helpful, rabid fans rushed to assist me via friendly Twitter posts supporting me in the hard times surrounding my momentary lapse. They call themselves the Jonatics, and here are some of their most encouraging words to me. A Greatest Hits, if you will.

Twitter 1Straightforward, to the point. Twitter 2He/she's right. Twitter 3I'd rather retweet, but instead I did neither. Twitter 4He makes a good point. Twitter 5Ashley, I hope this is your college essay. Twitter 6Don't be fooled, this isn't a grammatical mistake — I really did say all those things about me. I'm such a bitch, I should get a life. Twitter 7Yes. Attention, please and thank you! Twitter 8My editor and I have been laughing about the line “oh you welcome little shit!” for two days now.  Twitter 9I applied at a lot of newspaper jobs because I was hoping to be unemployed in the next 2-4 years, but I got stuck with an internet job instead. Twitter 10I think this one speaks for itself. Twitter 11I really would've written it. Twitter 12

Feel free, Jocelyn Josie. Feel free.

Come back again soon, trolls, you hear! I'm sure I'll have need of your services again very soon.