Joe Jonas Not Quite Ready To Propose To Blanda, Perhaps Because Her Name Is Blanda

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Joe Jonas on Larry King Live August 2013If there are still any girls out there holding out hope of dating Joe Jonas, this isn't the day that I dash those hopes, because he told Larry King today that he's not ready to propose to his girlfriend yet. And remember, this isn't just any old girlfriend we're talking about…this is the most epically-named girlfriend of all time, Miss Blanda Eggenschwiler.

As you may recall, she and Joe have been dating since late November of 2012, and it's been a whirlwind since then of me making constant jokes about her name, waiting on sex tapes that have been heavily portended but never appeared, and even engagement rumors. That's right, guys! Like two months ago, Joe was rumored to be discussing getting married with Blanda and even asking his brother Kevin‘s advice.

But he's keeping those scruffy little lips sealed on Larry King, appearing blindsided by the question and stammering out, basically, “UM I DUNNO LARRY IT'S TOO SOON HELP.”

I mean maybe if her name was Boringa or Plaina or even Vanilla (ayoooo! nailed it.) he'd be more into it, but there's no messing around with a name like ‘Blanda', you know what I mean? That's a name that says what it's up to. It says, “a lifetime with me will feel like a lifetime.” And you know Joe — he's a bachelor! His only interests lately have been growing hairs out of his face and making his stare progressively more vacant. He's not ready for marriage, you silly old Blanda!

But here comes Bland (her?) to put all this rumor mongering to rest. She saw that Larry King interview and she has something to say to our young Jonas:

“Now Joseph Marie Jonas, there may or may not be a sex tape out there of the two of us slapper-paddling each other around, but I forget all about that when I look into your eyes. Or, when I look into your parents' eyes, at least, and realize they'd sue the pants off me if it ever got released. So I guess we're stuck together forever! I hope you come around to that fact soon, because the second you break up with me, I'm taking my Blandass down to 999 Perez Hilton Avenue, Hollywood USA and selling this tape. So I'll see you at our anniversary in fifty years, sweet cheeks, whether you're ready to marry me right now or not!”

Pretty sure I just created a word-for-word transcription of these two lovers' conversation. You're welcome for the sneaky peek into their private lives.