Jill Dillard Is Pregnant, So I Guess She And Derick Figured Out That Sex Thing Alright

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People magazine Jill and Derick Dillard Duggar pregnancy news September 2014 issueI don't know what the eff is in the water over in the Duggar Family compound, but Jill Duggar Dillard is already pregnant.

In case you're doing some fast math in your head right now, let me help you out — she and Derick Dillard got married one day shy of eight weeks ago, so they didn't waste any time. Literally. Considering their interactions pre-marriage were limited to side-hugs, meaningful eye contact, and post-engagement hand-holding, it looks like these two had their first kiss at the wedding, and then rounded the bases at surprising speed. Went from their first at-bat to a home run in less than twenty-four hours. HEALTHY.

Just think about it — for Jill to be far enough along to be announcing now, she would had to have gotten pregnant pretty much on her wedding night. Like, the first time she ever had sex ever in her whole life. (She's due in March 2015, so the math checks out.) Just to lay this out even more clearly for you, Jill announced her pregnancy before her wedding special even aired on 19 Kids And Countingwhich is insane. Those are some fertile-ass Duggars. (God/Jim Bob is okay with me saying that, right?)

But you know one thing Dugggars don't do? They don't mess around with waiting to be out of the first trimester to announce their pregnancies, as Jill told People today:

“We're having a baby! We are so excited.”

Jill had taken a few tests that came back negative, but took one of her mom's when visiting home one night (you know Michelle has stacks on stacks of those lying around) and it came back positive. According to Derick:

“It was surreal. We were shocked. Both of us are so excited.”

Shocked, you were shocked? Is that why you kept taking pregnancy tests even though the first came back negative? Because you totes weren't expecting to get pregnant at all? Surely the rest of the family wasn't though, right Jim Bob?

“About 30 days after Jill and Derick got married they gathered everyone in the living room and shared the news. Everyone was clapping and cheering, and we were in shock, too.”

A. No you weren't. You were not in shock, that's exactly what you've trained her for her whole life. B. Thirty days?? What is this, a race? You didn't even miss a period yet hardly! Jesus Christ.

But while this is exciting for the Dillards, I just need to remind them to lock all their doors and windows, because Michelle has a nose for babies, and I wouldn't put it past her to come to your house and pluck it out of its cradle to take home and raise as her own. Keep a weather eye open. Oh and tell your sister Jessa you're starting the clock on her womb the moment her wedding is over. The time to beat is zero days.