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Prepare To Be Intimidated By Video Of Jessica Simpson’s Fancypants Wedding

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Prepare To Be Intimidated By Video Of Jessica Simpson s Fancypants Wedding Jessica Simpson walking down the aisle at her wedding to Eric Johnson July 2014 jpgGuys, if you ever want to have a wedding of your own that’s aesthetically satisfying to you, don’t watch the video of Jessica Simpson‘s wedding. Just don’t do it, because it will forever raise the bar to impossible heights. Trust me.

I guess I should have been prepared for this moment, given that we’ve already seen pictures of her amazing bedazzled gown, but I truly was not at all ready for how overwhemingly beautiful this ceremony was. Jessica and her now-husband Eric Johnson sold People the rights to film the wedding, so in addition to the venue itself looking like a romantic wonderland, it’s beautifully lit, perfectly framed, filled with famous people, and backed with a soundtrack. Just to add insult to injury.

It looks, basically, where a bunch of really fancy wood-elves would want to get married. Like if Martha Stewart were a wood-elf, this is the kind of event that she would design. There are beautiful chandeliers, silken draperies, decorative boughs laden with moss, trees filled with gently twinkling lights and hanging candles, and unique, eye-catching flower arrangements on every horizontal surface. Including the cake, which was golden, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS.


Even the area that the guests sat in for the ceremony was somehow under a flowering willow tree in the center of some sort of magical glen, and I’m just so sick with jealousy that I can barely type. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, given that in addition to being a millionaire, Jessica also had a lot of time (like two years) to plan this shindig on account of only barely managing to stay un-pregnant for long enough to have the ceremony.

But still, I refuse to cut myself slack. I have to have real live pixies at my own wedding or why even bother.

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