Jessica Alba Totally Regrets Not Realizing How Hot She Was In Her Twenties

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Jessica Alba attending Philip Lim for Target event September 2013Professional attractive person Jessica Alba doesn't have many regrets, but one of them is not realizing how goddamn attractive she was when she was younger! Yes, this is a real thing that came out of a real mouth and was recorded in the pages of a real live health magazine.

Like, honestly, if I were trying to create a perfect physical specimen of a human being, it would probably look a lot like Jessica Alba. And not Jessica Alba of a few years ago — Jessica Alba of right now. She's literally famous for being beautiful, you guys, so it is completely insane to me to hear her talking about her body like this, as if she isn't already ten million times more attractive that all of us put together. Scrabble together some self-awareness, lady, and then come back to me. Here's what Jessica had to say in a recent interview with Health magazine:

“I was a lot more critical of my body when it was probably pretty awesome. It’s like, why did I not ever wear jean shorts? That’s so crazy. I was so skinny! I didn’t have any cellulite…what was I thinking?!”

THAT IS SO CRAZY MY MIND IS LITERALLY BLOWN. I cannot think of anything more insane in this entire world than the fact that this woman didn't realize how hot she was back when her body was pretty awesome. I mean, talk about a tragedy. Talk about the great regrets in one's life, y'know? SHE TOTALLY MISSED THE WINDOW ON JEAN SHORTS BECAUSE NOW SHE IS A HAGGARD BEAST.

“I was more willing to wear short skirts after I had my kids. I never wore them before. Ever. I was so self-conscious. But I remember I was 28 or 29, at an MTV award thing, and my girlfriend Kelly was like, ‘You should wear a short skirt, because you are not going to be this age forever.’”

Congratulations, I officially have absolutely zero sympathy for Jessica Alba at any age. I can't decide which part is crazier — that she needed a friend to tell her how hot she was, or that she felt the need to recount this story to an interviewer at a health magazine. I can't decide whether #humblebrag or #firstworldproblems is more appropos to this situation.

“Now I’m a lot more confident in my skin — because who cares? At the end of the day, it’s so much time spent on something that really doesn’t matter that much.”

‘Who cares!' …said a woman whoooo obviously cares very much. She proves that she cares about her appearance maybe the most out of anyone ever because A. she gets work based on it, B. she consistently improves upon it with makeup, workouts, hair coloring, fashion choices, etcetera and C. she just spent an entire article talking about it. I see, you Jessica Alba.

I'm fine with you accepting that you're naturally very attractive and being grateful for that, but when you grump about not realizing how hot you were earlier in your life and talk about that time as a missed opportunity, as if you're a saggy old gremlin now, I am seriously turned off. Nice try, Alba. No points awarded.

(Image: WENN.com)