Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Vaginas Have Come Out

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(By an anthropologist)

1:00 – Our specimens JWOWW, Ronnie and Snooki walk to work. They talk about Snooki's made, Jionni, whom no one likes because he has terrible pheromones.

1:30 – The women arrive at work. Snooki says she doesn't feel like working. So she decides to not work at work.

2:00 – Ronnie yells at women with a bullhorn.

3:00 – Marco, the pizzeria boss, gives the group a 15 minute break so they can go shopping for their weekend trip to the beach. They shop for 11 hours.

4:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. They accuse one each other of being rude. Jionni, PhD concludes the conversation by saying, “You guys are crazy. You guys are all fucking nuts.” (Note: Give Jionni a job?)

5:00 – The specimens pack for their weekend in the seaside town of Ricionne. JWOWW brings everything she owns .

5:30 – Pauly thinks they're bringing too many suitcases. He says, “Eights bags of luggage, two Fiats. You do the math.” The math is eight bags of luggage and two Fiats.

8:00 – Our specimens arrive in Riccione and take inventory of their hotel, which reminds them of Jersey. (Analysis: They are seeing their own reflections and smelling their own hair products.)

9:00 – The men go out to eat. Situation sees his doppelganger at a restaurant. It is a burnt baguette.

10:30 – The girls do a hundred shots at a beachside bar and yell the word “vagina” over and over. (Diagnosis: Tourette's?)

12:00 – Snooki and Deena are drunk (synonym for “wasted”) and they go shopping.

13:00 – JWOWW and Sam return to the hotel. Snooki and Deena hear club music and go find it. They men also hear club music and arrive. No one else hears this music because it's like a dog whistle for guidos.

14:30 – Snooki dives face-first into a bush.

16:00 – Snooki and Deena dance. Deena dances so hard her underwear falls out, and it earns her the eternal respect of Pauly.

16:30 – The boys leave because they are embarrassed, which is an emotion they've never experienced before so they're worried they're dying.

17:00 – Our specimens meet for dinner. Deena and Snooki are nowhere to be found. Pauly blasts high-frequency club music and they appear suddenly.

19:00 – Deena and Snooki are very drunk but they decide to go to the club anyway.

20:00 – Our specimens arrive at the club and dance.

21:00 – Deena dances on a bench. She has no underwear on and everyone can see her vagina. According to JWOWW, she “needs a wax,” which is slang for “a hug.”

23:00 – Snooki and Deena booty dance.

23:30 – Snooki and Deena make out.

24:00 – Everyone decides it’s time to go. Deena and Snooki both fall down.

24:30 – Deena and Snooki make out in the cab.

25:00 – Arriving home, they make out more.

25:00 – Deena and Snooki go to bed together. (Note: Has a parody porn of this been made yet?)

26:00 – The next morning, the male specimens go to breakfast. Pauly accuses Ronnie of being a “swacker” which means a “swagger jacker.” If convicted, Ronnie will serve a felony term.

27:00 – The boys discuss Snooki’s cheating and side with her mate Jionni, PhD, and wonder if he'll break up with her.

28:00 – Deena and Snooki wake up in one another’s arms. It is The Notebook, basically.

28:30 – Deena emerges from her bed looking ravaged. She says, “I need a food.” (Note: Her skills as a hunter-gatherer are developing nicely.)

29:00 – Deena and Snooki do not remember anything. Deena says, “If I do sex, usually even if I’m blacked out I know I did sex.” (Note: Add this question to I.Q. tests.)

30:00 – JWOWW and Sammi analyze the details to try and determine if Deena and Snooki had sex. A forensics team is coming later.

31:00 – Our specimens leave town. The girls’ car starts smoking because Snooki left the parking brake on.

32:00 Snooki calls her mate Jionni. She tells him about her dalliance with Deena, but forgets to relay the funny part where Deena exposed her vagina.

33:00 – Jionni is not mad. Another victory for womankind.

35:00 – The gang goes to the pizzeria. Mike works hard and everyone is impressed, especially the water bottles, which have now been restocked.

26:00 – Snooki and Deena decide they don’t want to be at work so they hide inside of trashcans. (Note: Get first-person account from Oscar the Grouch.)

37:00 – Snooki and Deena decide to drive to the gym.

38:00 – Snooki crashes her car into a cop car.

38:30 – Snooki does not have her license. Deena calls the boys to fetch Snooki's license and bring it to them. Examining the document, the boys learn Snooki's her given name is not actually “Snooki,” but rather, “Hello Kitty.”

39:00 – It appears the driver of the other car has been seriously injured.

40:00 – Hello “Snooki” Kitty is dragged off to jail. She appears excited about scoring an orange jumpsuit.