Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Motherland

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(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – Snooki crawls out of Vinny's bed at an early hour and rubs her eyes. “What's that light stuff peeking through the windows?” she wonders. It is daylight which means that Snooki is awake before dusk for the first time in her life. (Diagnosis: Snooki is not a vampire.)

1:30 – Snooki realizes its 7:30 AM. She wakes JWOWW to tell her how early in the morning it is.

2:00 – Snooki and The Situation scream at one another some more about that time they maybe had sex or maybe did not who fucking cares already oh my god, why is this show still on the air?

4:00 – Snooki and JWOWW leave to go get mimosas.

4:30 – Situation calls his friend, whose name is The Unit, to verify that he and Snooki did, in fact, have sex. (Diagnosis: Situation's friends are all appliances. His ex-girlfriend The Toaster will be flying out next episode.)

6:00 – Sitch concocts an elaborate scheme. He tells Ronnie that he instructed his friend The Unit to call Jionni to tell him about the sex that happened between The Situation and Snooki. Then he tells Sammi and Deena the same thing. His plan here is to figure out which one of them is “the rat,' meaning the one who'll relay this information to Snooki. (Note: What?!)

8:30 – Snooki walks through the streets of Florence doing cartwheels. Sees a nun and freaks out and then buys a giant wine.

9:30 – Snooki drops the giant wine and it shatters.

11:00 – The Situation tells Pauly about his scheme. Pauly cackles. The Pinky and the Brain theme song plays, on violin.

12:00 – Sammi reveals herself to be “the rat” by telling Snooki about how Sitch told The Unit to tell Jionni about how Sitch and Snooki had sex, and also by chewing on a dead squirrel.

12:30 – Snooki screams at Sitch. She throws a bottle of champagne at him and it shatters. (Note: If we ever go to war against wine, Snooki is our general.)

13:30 – The Situation tells Snooki that he just told Ronnie that he told the Unit to tell Jionni, and Ronnie told Sammi and now he knows that Sammi told Snooki, but it was just a trick and in reality he didn't tell The Unit anything. (Note: is this what string theory is?)

15:00 – Snooki sobs.

16:00 – Snooki whines.

16:30 – Dr. Sammi diagnoses Sitch as a “sick individual.”

18:00 – The boys prepare for a trip to Sicily to visit Vinny's family, the girls will go to Tuscany to tour wine.

19:30 – Vinny thinks Sicily looks like Jusrassic Park with “the trees and the fog and King Kong hiding in the bushes.” (Note: That's not King Kong in Jurassic Park; that's Laura Dern.)

21:00 – The female specimens take a tour of a haunted wine cellar.

21:30 – Snooki shrieks.

22:00 – The women sip wine.

23:00 – Snooki burps.

24:00 – Snooki asks for advice about her relationship with Jionni. JWOWW thinks she should move on because Jionni will never forgive her for copulating with Vinny.

25:00 – Snooki regrets copulating with Vinny because she realizes she loves Jionni. (Diagnosis: progress!)

27:00 – Snooki and Deena fall off a motorcycle.

28:00 – Snooki falls asleep on a barrel of wine.

28:30 – JWOWW and Snooki fight. JWOWW tells Snooki not to lie. Snooki says they’re not best friends anymore and pulls out her diary, where she draws pictures of penises for an hour.

31:00 – Over in Sicily, four generations of Vinnys eat four generations of pasta.

32:00 – The males sit on a ledge and look out into the sunset and over the beautiful Italian countryside, reflecting. (There is a reflecting pool beneath them.)

32:30 – The females return home to Florence. JWOWW and Snooki are back to being best friends, which means they put their matching necklaces back on.

33:00 – Snooki calls her father to talk about Jionni. Her father explains that Jionni changed his Facebook status to “single.”

34:00 – Snooki calls Jionni to talk and also to yell. Jionni says that Snooki broke his heart. (Translation: liver.)

35:00 – Tells Jionni she hooked up with Vinny, but explains that they did not copulate and only engages in foreplay. Jionni threatens to murder Vinny. He earns the nickname “Foxy Jioxi.”

37:00 – Jionnni tells Snooki he'll give her another chance.

39:00 – Snooki talks to Vinny about the night they copulated. Vinny talks about how Snooki was horny and kept saying, “fuck me.” His dick was cuddling with her vagina is another thing he says.

40:00 – Snooki calls Jionni once more. She tells him that she and Vinny did, in fact, copulate. The Pinky and the Brain theme song plays, on kazoo.